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Recovery from addiction is rarely a linear progression.

Our expectations of ourselves, as well as others' expectations of us, may fuel resentment.

Our motivations for quitting and staying sober may change over time.

Knowing what is in our control and what is not is a hard distinction to draw early in recovery.

The decision to change our relationships to alcohol, other drugs, and addictive behaviors is not an easy one to reach. No one wants to admit that their behaviors have become deeply troubling and unhealthy, but that is where many of us landed. Our immediate goal may be to stop the troubling behaviors, but our long-term goal is to be a better person capable of living fully. We want to flourish.

Changing our behaviors and our relationships to substances and behaviors is neither easy nor linear. It often proceeds in fits and starts, with some plateaus and setbacks along the way. While there are many different paths to changing our behaviors, there are some obstacles or challenges that appear on every path. They appear because that’s where we are; we generate them.

Here are seven challenges common in early recovery.

1. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others

We expect immediate relief once we reduce or cease our use. We tell ourselves that we will be better, more caring, engaged people because the problem was the substances and behaviors, not us. Others should quickly forgive us because we are working hard to change. Wanting something on our timeline without consideration for the needs of others is a sure sign of an unrealistic expectation. We fail to grasp that addictions take time to develop, and so does recovery.

We are pulled in two opposing directions. More accurately, we are pulling ourselves in opposite directions, which can be terribly painful. Not wanting to drink, use, or gamble battles our desire to do so. Being deeply ambivalent can feel like a nonstop war against yourself. Too many people will resolve the ambivalence by picking up their addiction.

3. Trying to please others or do it for others

Many people early in recovery might say they are doing it for someone else, which is the motivation to get them on a path. That motivation may not be sufficient to stay on the path, especially if those others do not seem supportive or appreciative enough. That may stoke the flames of resentment towards them, others in recovery, and our own work in recovery. At some point, each of us must generate our own motivation.

4. Being unable to imagine a better version of yourself or a better future

In the throes of addiction, we often become masters of listing all that is wrong with us, everyone else, and the entire world. We get locked in an infinite loop of grievance and self-blame. To break the loop and to provide more motivation early in recovery, we need to be able to imagine something better.

We often cannot do this for ourselves. We may need to look to others who have struggled as much or more than we have and have transformed themselves. Until we can generate a positive vision for ourselves, we may need to borrow from others.

5. Being a stranger to yourself

Many who struggle with addiction don’t know who we are apart from our substances and behaviors. Who is underneath all the loss, blame, and shame? We may not have an accurate picture of what we used to be like. Or some of us started so early that we never got the chance to know ourselves apart from our use. The idea of coming to know yourself seems utterly foreign.

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6. Being a self-contained emergency kit

Whether it is from a misguided sense of being alone, or being unwilling to trust others, or believing you should be able to do everything on your own, no matter how big the task, some people cannot ask for help. They will literally and figuratively grit their teeth and just keep forcing themselves to act alone.

7. Not recognizing what is in our control and what is not

We often lack perspective about what is in our control and what is not. We sometimes invest enormous energy trying to control factors well beyond us and then feel resentment when it doesn’t work. The philosopher Epictetus (c. 50-138 CE) wisely claimed:

Some things are up to us and some are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions-in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or, that is, whatever is not our own doing.

Some things are up to us and some are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions-in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or, that is, whatever is not our own doing.

Our expectations are up to us, as is our willingness to ask for help. We make choices about which competing desires we weigh or favor more heavily. We can increase our willingness to imagine a better future or a better version of ourselves. Epictetus notes that when we accept what is up to us, we have the possibility to be free.

Becoming ready to recover is up to us. Recovery offers both the freedom from our addictive substances and behaviors and the freedom to begin to chart a very different course for our lives.

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