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There are many forms of love, so we need precision when identifying the types that may be addictive.

An addiction framework pathologizes individuals as having behaviors that defy reason and run riot.

We need alternative models that explain how people learn to desire.

Is there such a thing as love addiction? It is a concept that has been gaining traction in popular culture but whether it might be viable as a clinical condition hinges on what is meant by love and by addiction.

Different types of love

There are many types of love, each of which has transformative power over and on us. Does each have a form that would lead to it becoming addictive?

Eros describes a passionate longing for a person physically and what they may represent, such as an ideal of beauty. Many people would say this type of love can be addictive.

Philia refers to the love between friends that involves goodwill, mutuality, and reciprocity. Many would deny that this could be addictive; we don’t tend to say that we are addicted to our friends (or our pets).

Agape is a selfless and unconditional love that extends to humanity and may come from humanity or from a god/God/Higher Power. Would most people understand their devotion to God as an addiction? To the contrary, most would be offended by that idea. Also, not many would say that loving your neighbor, as many faith traditions recommend, could be addictive.

Romantic love represents a combination of these three, uniting the physical, social, and spiritual. This is what most people mean when they talk about love that can be addictive.

What work is the concept of addiction doing in this notion of romantic love addiction?

Why an addiction framework?

Addiction provides a framework for explaining why people seek and stay in relationships that are unfulfilling, unhappy, or unhealthy. Some people move from relationship to relationship while others describe themselves as "addicted" to their partners and unable to live without them.

In this view, some romantic desires and behaviors are out of control, intractable, and defy reason. Romantic love addiction would purportedly explain why some people cannot love normally/moderately/appropriately, in the same way that alcoholism explains why some people cannot drink in moderation or stop once they start.

An addiction framework necessarily pathologizes behaviors and people, which implies there’s something deeply wrong with the individuals themselves. Focusing on what’s wrong with people and their desires makes it seem as if those desires are just simply given or innate. In this view, some people’s desires manifest in deformed and unhealthy ways and then run riot. But what happens when we start to investigate how people learn to desire?

Alternative explanation for unhealthy romantic behaviors

We need alternative frameworks that examine how the background conditions of sexism, heterosexism, racism, ableism, and gender constructions shape our desires, expectations, behaviors, and relationships when it comes to romantic love. We learn how to desire, whom to regard as attractive, and what to expect from romantic partners. We learn what others expect from us and what we should expect from ourselves. What we don't learn is that much of this is unrealistic.

None of this is an unfolding of an innate nature; it is learned behavior. Much of it is about following rules and customs.

Each of us is steeped in the mythos that we need to find our other half—our soul mate—from whom we have been severed (thanks, Aristophanes) or find the other who completes us (looking at you, Jerry Maguire), no matter the cost. If we don’t find that, we run the risk of being incomplete in some very profound way. That incompleteness will make us unfulfilled and even miserable.

Why Relationships Matter

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We are schooled early and often that this quest for romantic love is our highest calling. We must continue this pursuit, even if we find someone whom we do love or with whom we can be happy. Underneath it all is a riptide of doubt: What if this person is not The One?

People are obviously suffering by pursuing these fantasies and trying to meet expectations wrapped in angst about being incomplete. We tend to outsource our happiness, self-worth, and self-respect to imaginary or actual romantic partners. There's nothing healthy about that.

My worry is that an addiction framework takes far more than it gives. For some, there could be some relief and understanding in naming their condition as an addiction. But this relief comes at the steep cost of pathologizing themselves.

We need more models besides addiction to identify and evaluate our romantic behaviors. Those models need to attend to the background conditions that create these unrealistic and unmeetable expectations. So long as those go unexamined, we are likely to see more people suffering.

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