Minimizing Unnecessary Drama |
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As drama increases, so does nervous system dysregulation, with more arguing, mood swings, and withdrawal.
We can help the situation by being more mindful of how we generate drama and seeking remedies.
The unnecessary commotion that drama stirs up is often a way to deflect from whatever is truly frightening us.
With societal and familial divisiveness at an all-time high, unnecessary drama is, too. Drama is expressed as emotional disturbances and commotion. As it increases, so does nervous system dysregulation, with more arguing, mood swings, and sudden episodes of withdrawal. We can help the situation by being more mindful of how we generate drama and create an alternative.
Here are eight ways we generate drama in our daily lives and ways we can reduce the commotion.
Violation of boundaries. This may be the most popular way that drama is created on the big screen, as well as in the kitchen and the office. Any time we refuse to honor someone’s need for physical or psychological privacy, we’re violating their boundary. Any time we break an agreement, we’re violating a boundary. We violate our own boundaries when we say “yes” when “no” is our truth. Remedy: If someone appears to need alone time or is engaged in a conversation, ask if you may approach them. Honor your own boundaries by saying “no” when you mean “no.”
Keeping secrets. When we keep a secret from someone to please or punish them, we steal their choice to know. This is the case when a person is entitled to information because of the role they play in our lives, such as family and friends. Drama ensues as they sense that information is being withheld. Maintaining confidentiality honors someone’s need for privacy and does not involve anyone specifically. Remedy: Be clear about the purpose of keeping a secret. Use discretion. Does someone truly need protecting? How will they be harmed if disclosure takes place?
Acting off a story. We all create stories about people, places, and events. Disturbances occur when we act as if our story accurately depicts reality. Remedy: Tell your story! Rather than act as if your story is true, tell those whom your story describes. When people reveal their stories, they often discover that another person’s actions had little or nothing to do with them.
Not making requests. It’s too easy to want or need something and say nothing. However, the silence can carry disappointment, anger, and hurt. The classic defense is, “You should know.” Actually, they should not know. It’s your responsibility to let them know. Remedy: Make requests. As you do so, feel the emotions that arise in you. You may feel guilty or insensitive, or like you’re being a burden. The emotions reflect that you’re doing something new. You don’t need to take responsibility for how the person responds to your request. They have three legitimate responses: “Yes,” “No,” and “I want to negotiate.”
Not speaking your emotions. When we don’t speak our emotions, especially painful ones, we often act them out. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and feeling betrayed can create havoc either aggressively or by withdrawing. When we’re conflict-avoidant, we risk becoming passive-aggressive, which creates more drama. Remedy: Speak your emotions non-blamefully: “When I didn’t receive a return call from you, I felt hurt.” Sometimes we carry a story affiliated with an emotion: “I have the story that when you and Bob went fishing together, you didn’t want me included, and I felt disappointed.”
Triangulating. Dramatic triangles happen when person A has an issue with person C and chooses to tell B and not C about it. There can be further disturbance if person B brings the information to C. Remedy: Eliminate triangulation. Drama is minimized when we simply speak to the appropriate person about our issue.
Denying our limits. When we ignore our limits, we become susceptible to feeling overwhelmed and create a dysregulated nervous system. We break agreements, forget about plans, make more mistakes, and lose sight of priorities, all of which create unnecessary commotion. Remedy: Get honest about your limits. Track your fatigue, what you expect of yourself, and the time and energy needed to complete a task. Be ready to ask for help.
Dramatic relationships. Some relationships rely on unnecessary drama to feel close. It sounds like, “In a real family, people yell at one another, complain, fight, and accuse." Remedy: Love does not have to be defined by contention, yelling, arguing, or issuing elaborate defenses to derail accusations. Sometimes an abundance of toxic energy gets misidentified as “there’s so much happening here, it must be good!” Practice quiet, tender moments, and be sensitive to the possible fear of warmth and kindness.
Life presents us with numerous opportunities for drama, with illness, accidents, natural disasters, and a variety of losses. Drama can be misperceived as simply a great deal of real life. However, the unnecessary commotion is typically a way to deflect from whatever is frightening us. Drama has a way of taking us hostage, disallowing understanding, creativity, exploration, and solid problem-solving.
How Can I Manage My Anger?
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