Can Couples Be Too Emotionally Merged? |
What Is Low Sexual Desire?
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Closeness is necessary for desire, but without distinctiveness between partners, it isn't sufficient.
Overfamiliarity, not too much love, is what most erodes sexual desire in long-term relationships.
When one partner loses their sense of self, research shows it diminishes their partner's autonomy, too.
Many couples today exist in a state of near-continuous contact—shared calendars, location sharing, constant texting, and overlapping friend groups. In many ways, this closeness is exactly what we want from a committed relationship. Emotional intimacy and responsiveness are genuine predictors of relationship health. Feeling understood and securely connected benefits both mental and physical well-being.
But research is beginning to reveal a more complicated picture, one with direct implications for sexual desire.
The conventional wisdom has long been that more closeness equals better relationships. And for many outcomes, that holds. On days when people feel closer to their partner, they also tend to report a higher level of desire. But closeness alone does not explain why so many couples who describe themselves as deeply connected also report fading sexual interest in each other.
The Problem of Low "Otherness"
Relationship researchers Amy Muise and Sophie Goss (2023) propose that what may be missing is something they call "otherness," defined as the distinctiveness between partners that allows each person to continue seeing the other in a new light, to acknowledge each partner's unique contributions, and to experience the mystery that sustains........