Maybe We Don't Understand Each Other—but That's a Good Thing |
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Couples often complain about poor communication or not understanding each other.
Knowledge of attachment theory can help manage common conflict patterns in relationships.
Too much understanding of one's partner can create a sense of security without desire.
Many people come to therapy with a goal to work on communication, especially with a partner. The problem, as many see it, is “poor communication,” and the goal is to have “better communication.”
Poor communication can mean a lot of things, including ongoing and repeated conflicts, trouble expressing what we want or need, and avoidant tendencies.
Therapy can work out a number of these issues. Understanding our cycle of conflict can create quicker off-ramps to repair. Learning about our attachment styles can give us strategies to self-soothe or call attention to excessive withdrawal. Even incorporating simple scripts into our dynamic can vastly improve how we relate to each other, i.e., "When you do X, I feel Y."
But we will never fully understand each other; we will never have a completely transparent relationship with our partner or even with ourselves.
The limits of mutual understanding
I have heard many people express longing for a kind of psychological telepathy—to immediately transmit our experience to a partner and have it registered and acted upon. Some couples even approach this in practice, intuiting their partner’s desires or worries and acting in their best interests.
But true, transparent, and complete understanding is not possible, and probably wouldn’t be enjoyable. Imagine a situation where no mysteries existed between a couple; where every need, desire, and fantasy were always already known. Would there be romance, intimacy, or desire in this scenario? What might they talk about? What would be the motivation to be together if there was nothing unknown—no negativity—to move desire forward?
Sure, there might be comfort and safety in the presence of someone who knows and understands you. Like a warm, weighted blanket or a canine companion, there could be consistency and routine. No risk of triggers because they anticipate all of your hot button issues.
The tension between safety and desire
As any couples’ therapist will tell you, however, safety and security can sometimes be the death knell of desire, as it stops and arrests curiosity. Curiosity is often the engine that stimulates interest in others. If all is known and all is understood, there can be no curiosity. No questions remain. No mystery to be riddled with and no novel pleasures.
Personal change over time
Typically, individuals evolve as they age. Old notions of ourselves fade and recede, and new desires, interests, and faculties develop if we let them. The natural, developmental flow of life insists on change and difference. We are not identical to ourselves. In fact, remaining identical to ourselves—liking what we’ve always liked—can be a kind of prison. Do we really want to be relegated and limited to our adolescent or young adult desires?
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Life forces differences upon us inevitably in the form of aging. If our identity was rooted in running or rock climbing, and then we develop arthritis, our passions need to evolve. Or if we loved steak and whiskey and came face to face with high cholesterol, we must reinvent our pleasures, our leisure, and our lifestyle.
Curiosity and ongoing discovery in relationships
The saying “we contain multitudes” is a rich guiding star here. What are the multitudes or shadow selves that we have not explored or had the courage to access? What are these in our partner? As with all change and novelty, there is risk. But risk also fuels curiosity and desire. No risk, no reward. Or, no treasure without the guarding dragon.
Don’t be worried, therefore, if your partner doesn’t seem to know all of you. Be more worried if they have lost interest in learning about you.
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