We are probably all familiar with blaming and being blamed. Life is difficult and complex; our moods can be mutable and volatile. Having a partner can be an easy and obvious target for some of our general frustration and animus.

We can think of many examples here. Coming home from a stressful meeting at work and battling traffic can make us vulnerable to mood swings when we get home. This is where we are most likely to blame our partner for something amiss at home—dishes not finished, food left out, a pet not fed.

Blaming our partner in this way (who is probably also stressed and fatigued) is likely to lead to reciprocal blame as a protective or defensive response. This can easily escalate and, when repeated, gets locked into an automatic pattern of relating. For couples well “worn” in this pattern, they can often even anticipate blame and pre-empt it, quickening the blame cycles; if left unchecked, it can lead to simmering resentments or, at worst, contempt.

We may think that the solution to this issue is merely to stop blame in its tracks: to call out blame that is unfairly allocated. The challenge here, however, is that this can often feel like

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