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I’ve written a lot about the habit of “shoulding” on ourselves, constantly telling ourselves all the things we should do, improve, become, know, achieve, the better version of ourselves we should be. And specifically, the self-aggression of shoulding on ourselves, and the damage it does to our quality of life and ability to enjoy the present moment.
Today, however, I want to investigate another self-aggressive activity we engage in, a close cousin of shoulding. It’s what I call “nexting.” Nexting is the habit of continually poking and prodding ourselves to know what’s next in our life, what we need to do, decide, attend to, accomplish, and create—next. In a nutshell, what else needs to happen. Nexting is the opposite of being in the present moment; it’s forcing ourselves to turn our attention away from what’s here right now.
I was recently speaking with a friend whose youngest child is about to leave for college. She was obsessing over what she could do next to fill her empty nest; should she get a puppy, take up gardening, learn to sail? Later, I had a conversation with a colleague who’d just finished his most recent novel. He literally handed in the final draft the day before. His mind had already begun frantically searching for the topic of his next book. He was frustrated that he didn’t know what was next, assuming it must be writer’s block. Truth be told, I do the same: The instant I finish a project, I start searching for my........