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Nina and her husband Steve were dining at their favorite restaurant. It was particularly loud that night, however, which was irritating for Steve, who had highly sensitive ears. Nonetheless, the conversation was rich and deep, all about the new business project Steve was building. Nina was an engaged listener and curious, not just about the project, but about her husband’s experience, what it was growing and challenging in him. For hours, Nina dove into Steve’s passion and purpose, and the result was an evening of connection and love.

After a few hours, the conversation came to its natural completion, and the couple easily transitioned into silence, holding hands, enjoying their coffee and people-watching.

In that sweet silence, feeling deeply connected, Nina decided to tell Steve about a recent insight she’d had about herself, a discovery that felt important to her on a spiritual level. He responded with a seemingly agitated “I hear you,” but nothing more, which felt odd and out of sync with the mood of the evening.

Nina sat quietly for a few minutes, confused that such a disclosure wouldn’t generate even a single question, and then she mustered the courage to gently tell Steve that she sometimes wished he could be more curious about her, not just about surface things, but about what really mattered to her (like what she’d just shared). Without making any judgments or accusations, she was honest about feeling lonely and shut down when he rejected her invitation to know her more deeply—how his tight “I hear you” with no follow-up left her feeling sad and with a deep longing to be more intimately known and connected.

Nina shared that she craved the same kind of engaged curiosity that she offered him; she also wanted a partner who would stoke the sparks of her passion, help her formulate the unformulated in her, and who........

© Psychology Today