A Secret That Some Mothers Will Never Tell |
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Mothers can feel love but not like for their children, revealing a strong social taboo.
Ambivalence in motherhood is common but stigmatized.
Idealized motherhood can seem to leave no room for natural, complex feelings.
Kate (not her real name) had never been in therapy when she showed up in my office. She had never felt the need or desire to confide in anyone outside her close circle of friends and family. A happy, emotionally healthy woman in her mid-40s, Kate was in my office to talk about one particular problem that she couldn’t talk about with anyone else in her life. As it turns out, the problem Kate couldn’t talk about is also a problem that many women experience, one that women keep secret and never talk about outside the therapy space (which is why she gave me permission to write about it).
The unspeakable, un-shareable truth was this: Kate loved her child, but she didn’t like her very much. She was entirely devoted to her, would do anything for her, but she didn’t actually enjoy being with her.
When she confessed her feelings to her best friend, her friend immediately explained to Kate why everything she was “complaining” about, that she didn’t like, was age-appropriate behavior for a teenager. She told Kate that her feelings were not about her daughter at all, but about the parts of herself she didn’t like, and that she needed to get over it and stop........