Why We Submit, Rebel, or Awaken |
Our most basic needs for physical and psychological survival are safety, love, and freedom. When these needs are not met, we enter a state of distress and develop survival mechanisms that preserve life energy and compensate for the deprivation we experience. A lack of love may lead to dependency and people-pleasing, or alternatively to emotional distancing (as if we do not need love at all). A lack of freedom may lead to self-negation, denial of one’s needs (appeasement), or to active resistance and rebellion.
Over time, these survival strategies become fixed and crystallized into patterns. As the patterns solidify, they are increasingly used automatically. They begin to feel like part of our identity, while, in reality, they control us, limiting our awareness and ability to choose our response. This reactivity becomes wired into the nervous system and strengthened through repeated use, while alternative responses are neglected.
It is important to remember that a pattern is a strategy developed for self-protection and need-fulfillment. To change a pattern, we need awareness, intentional movement toward healthier responses, replacement strategies, and the inner resources to sustain them.
From birth, the child is entirely dependent on their environment to meet their essential physical and emotional needs: nourishment, holding, attunement, mirroring, the felt sense of being wanted, and the steady presence of a caregiver. When these needs are met sufficiently, the child develops a basic trust, self-worth, and an embodied sense of safety.
When needs are unmet, the child naturally protests. At that stage, crying, anger, and resistance are healthy, life-affirming movements of the psyche in an attempt to restore connection and evoke response. Unmet needs generate intense affect: