As the holiday season comes into full swing, invitations to group activities may multiply. Sometimes gatherings bring genuine joy; other times, it feels like another obligation, cluttering our already busy lives.

How do we balance our unique, individual—selfish, dare I say—needs, with the needs of others, the collective, the group?

It’s not just the holiday season. We live with this tension every day. The pull toward solitude versus the longing to belong is not a simple dichotomy but something that requires constant reflection and recalibration. For me, it is one of the central challenges of being human. When I say “group,” I mean more than casual socializing. I include much of our outer world: family, school, work, groups formed by hobbies or shared interests (bandmates, pickleball team, neighborhood boards, volunteer organization, and more).

I have struggled with group dynamics all my life as an introvert. I grew up in Japan, a culture that values group harmony, consensus, and fitting in, expectations that are especially acute for women. As a young girl, I often felt suffocated by the pressure to be agreeable and suppress my opinions.

In fifth grade, when I stood up for a classmate who was being bullied, I became the next target, a common outcome in a closed social system. What was traumatic was not the bullying itself, but the silence of others. At the time, I mistook the silence for assent. Only later, I realized that silence could mean many other things: fear, lack of safety, discomfort, or quiet resistance. Beneath the surface, there are often fellow misfits and those who have already quietly disengaged.........

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