I was born into a home that was filled with pain. My earliest childhood memories are of my mother’s screams echoing off the walls of our house, while my little sister and I hid shaking with fear in the bottom of our wardrobe and waiting for the eerie silence that would signal our alcoholic father had passed out. No one ever spoke to us about what had happened. Instead, we were taught that "good girls" should do their best to avoid trouble and silence their pain or risk being called "melodramatic drama queens."
Although this advice had horrible consequences for all of us, when first offered, the intention was to protect us. My mother lived in fear that if people knew what was happening in our home, the authorities would take my sister and me away.
When I was 4 years old, my parents divorced, and our home became much quieter after my father left. But, by then, my little body and brain had learned that at the first sign of pain, it was best to run and quickly hide yourself away until your emotions had been silenced and the danger had passed. I grew up never building the confidence I needed to manage my most uncomfortable emotions.
For decades, when I was scared, overwhelmed, or hurt, the bottom of a cupboard remained my preferred place. But, other small dark spaces could also work. At school, when kids were mean to me, I’d tuck myself away under a desk stinging........