One of the most common questions I hear from betrayed partners is this: “What does the infidelity say about me?”

In this revealing question, betrayed partners are asking, “What does it say about me that I was cheated on? What does it say about me that I still love the person who cheated on me? What does it say about me that I want to try to save my relationship? What does it say about me that I want to leave the relationship?

At the heart of these questions is a feeling of shame. This shame latches on to how betrayed partners feel about themselves. Shame attaches to the heart and taints their most significant relational longings, desires, needs, hopes, and wants with self-doubt, critical judgment, and insecurity. This shame can haunt betrayed partners, dogging their steps and making them question decisions about themselves and their relationship.

In her book Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame, Patricia DeYoung describes shame as a phenomenon that occurs when we experience relational disconnection in a moment of need. DeYoung says, “Shame is the experience of self-in-relation when ‘in-relation’ is ruptured or disconnected.”[i] As a result, shame is not an individual phenomenon. It is a relational dynamic that occurs between two people.

It is important to differentiate shame from guilt. We feel guilt when we have violated our own value system and our conscience pricks at us. We "feel guilty" and regret what we have done. This guilt is helpful because it........

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