5 Love Languages, 2 Big Mistakes |
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"The 5 Love Languages" can be a positive resource for couples, but is often misunderstood.
Having the same love languages isn't necessary.
Having the same love languages doesn't increase compatibility.
Many couples are wild about the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. With good reason: It can be a useful resource for couples wanting to learn what it takes to feel loved in relationships, as it can help to explain why some expressions of love connect with a partner while others fall flat. But among the couples who attend my intensives to try to mend their broken marriages, I have noticed that there are two major misunderstandings about love languages that, rather than helping to bring spouses closer, actually create more friction.
If you’re not familiar with the love languages framework, here is a brief summary of the theory: Every individual has a unique way of feeling loved, and no two people are exactly alike in terms of what they need and want from their partners to truly feel cherished. The trick is to learn what it takes for your partner to feel loved and do those things, even if you don’t quite understand why they feel that way—because you don’t need to. You just have to do it. That goes for both partners. (Little research supports Chapman's claims that there are five love languages, or that individuals necessarily have one primary language.)
When a person is adept at making their partner feel loves, in the way they prefer, good things tend to happen as a result. When a partner feels loved, they tend to be “loving” in return. In other words, good will is reciprocated.
So far, so good. But here’s the problem: When people notice that they have different love languages than their partners, they can assume they aren’t compatible. They think, “We should be married to partners who share our love languages.”
The truth is, very few partners share the same primary love language. The point isn’t for them to agree about what love is; the point is for each to unearth what makes the other feel loved and to then do that. Besides, there's no guarantee that even people who claim to have the same love language will actually feel loved in the same way. For example, a couple may say that touch is a primary love language for both of them. Are they a match made in heaven? Not necessarily. One person may yearn for affectionate touch—hugging, cuddling, and holding hands—while the other feels loved primarily when having sexual intercourse.
Identifying your preferred love languages is not meant to be a compatibility test. It’s just one way to learn about the differences between you and your partner and to find ways to become bilingual when it comes to love.
What Your Partner Needs
The second misunderstanding about love languages: I often hear people saying, “I show love by _______.” For example, one woman recently said, “I show love by doing acts of service when the people I love get sick. I bring them food and cater to them when they’re down and out.”
Is she a nice person? Absolutely. But what if she’s married to a guy who simply wants to be left alone and doesn’t like people doting on him when he’s sick? Would she be showing love by bringing him chicken soup? He might answer with a resounding, “No!”
When people say, “I show love by…,” what they typically follow with are behaviors that would make them feel loved. As nice and as kind as that may be, it drastically misses the point. Love is only love when it lands. You may have sincere intentions and motivations, but if you don’t take into account what your partner needs from you at a given time, your kind gestures may not be noticed, appreciated, or reciprocated.
When I’m upset about something, I want my husband to check in with me, ask me if something is wrong, and ask if I want to talk about it. When my husband gets upset about something, if I do what I want him to do during my challenging times, he gets upset with me. He prefers to mull things over by himself. He prefers I give him space. Early in our marriage, this confused me because I thought I was being such a “kind” and “wonderful” wife by showing concern when he seemed “off.” But when my “kindness” was met with annoyance, I was utterly confused.
Why Relationships Matter
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Now, many decades later, I understand: To him, allowing, even offering, solitude is the ultimate expression of love.
The upshot of all of this is for those of us in relationships to honor the differences, and to try to become proficient at speaking our partner’s love language, whether or not we understand, agree with, or even like it.
Compatibility isn’t about becoming clones; it is about learning how to accept, embrace, and even grow to appreciate a partner’s uniqueness. As Therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences.” Ain’t it the truth?
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