What's Best? Spontaneous Sex? Or Sex Planned in Advance? |
The Fundamentals of Sex
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Research shows that most people prefer spontaneous sex, rather than scheduled.
Sex therapists almost universally advocate negotiating a compromise frequency, and then scheduling sex.
Scheduling sex isn't always easy, but it can reduce chronic tension that threatens to damage a relationship.
In movies and on TV, sex is never planned. Two people meet. They click. Sparks fly. And they jump into bed. Totally spontaneously. The strong media preference for spontaneous sex either reflects cultural sentiments or helps shape them—probably both.
Most people voice a resounding preference for spontaneous sex. In two recent studies, Canadian researchers asked 303 individuals and then 121 couples which type of sex they preferred. Both groups strongly favored spontaneous lovemaking—no planning, no scheduling.
Meanwhile, sex therapists almost universally advocate planned, scheduled sex. Why such a disconnect? Who’s right? Is there even a right or wrong here?
Hot and Heavy vs. Old Married Couple
The general cultural preference for spontaneous sex reflects the early hot-and-heavy stage of relationships. When people first meet and click, they can’t keep their hands off each other. That produces frequent, spontaneous sex, which feels very exciting, even life-changing. So, when you’re in a new relationship, go ahead and enjoy spontaneous sex whenever you like.
But the hot-and-heavy period typically lasts only six to 18 months. After that, sexual urgency—as in "I need it right now"—almost always subsides. When the two partners’ desired frequency declines identically, there’s no problem. But usually, desired frequency wanes individually and idiosyncratically. This almost inevitably produces desire differences, which rank as long-term couples’ number one sexual complaint, and one of the top reasons why couples consult sex therapists.
'You’re Insatiable!' vs. 'You Never Want To!'
Desire differences are annoying, another issue to negotiate. But sometimes they become toxic. When they do, both partners feel terrible. Higher-desire partners feel humiliated, always groveling, always pleading, “Tonight? Tonight? Tonight?” Meanwhile, lower-desire partners also feel humiliated, besieged, and constantly fending off sexual advances. Nightly sparring may turn relationships into smoldering volcanoes that sometimes erupt.
Most people assume that when heterosexual couples develop desire differences, the men want more sex, the women less. This is often the case. But quite frequently, it’s the other way around. Over the past four decades, I’ve asked dozens of sex therapists to estimate how often it’s the woman who wants sex more often. The consensus—women want sex more in about half the couples who seek sex therapy for this problem.
Desire differences have another poisonous element. Non-sexual affection largely drops out of the relationship. Everyday hugs and kisses become fraught. Higher-desire partners initiate non-sexual affection hoping to get lucky, while lower-desire partners shrink from it, for fear of implying they’re open to more.
If desire differences are complicated by any history of childhood sex abuse, domestic violence, substance abuse, and/or significant psychological issues, couples are best advised to consult sex therapists.
But if not, if the two people are mentally healthy and simply have different levels of sexual desire, sex therapists make two recommendations: Agree on a compromise frequency, then schedule sex dates and note them on your calendars.
The Fundamentals of Sex
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Find a sex therapist near me
Compromise Frequency, Schedule Sex
It’s not easy to negotiate a frequency both partners can live with. It may feel impossible. But it’s either that, or more tussles that may fester and eventually damage the relationship.
There is no “normal” couple-sex frequency. Everyone is sexually unique. Many surveys show that couples’ sexual frequencies range from never to daily or more. But there are patterns. For couples up to age 45 or so, the most typical frequency is once a week; for older couples, two to three times a month. That doesn’t say couples should embrace those frequencies, simply that they represent a reasonable springboard for negotiations.
The Advantages of Planned, Scheduled Sex
When couples agree on a frequency and calendar their sex dates, it’s often amazing how quickly the chronic tension over frequency evaporates. Both people know exactly when they will make love. Higher-desire partners no longer have to grovel. Lower-desire partners no longer have to repel constant advances. Both usually breathe a huge sigh of relief.
In addition, non-sexual affection returns to the relationship. Affectionate hugs and kisses no longer carry any implications beyond nonsexual expressions of tenderness. Many couples rejoice about this.
Of course, the hard part is negotiating a frequency both people can live with more or less comfortably. Strive to be kind. Assert your needs, but work to honor your partner’s point of view. If you can’t agree, consult a sex therapist.
Movies and TV will, no doubt, continue to depict all partner sex as spontaneous and unplanned. But this happens only briefly, very early in relationships. For long-term couples, the best, most loving way to go is to plan sex and schedule it.
For a sweet, amusing take on this issue, see one of the few movies to tackle it: the romantic comedy Hope Springs with Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, and Steve Carell.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Kovacevic, K et al. “Is Spontaneous Sex Ideal? Beliefs and Perceptions of Spontaneous and Planned Sex and Sexual Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships,” Journal of Sex Research (2024) 61:246. DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2022.2163611
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