It’s been 25 years since the movie Fight Club first came out. Its premise was that violence creates connection and meaning—it’s better to fight than accept boredom and emptiness.

So now is an appropriate time to consider fights in relationships: Can arguments—especially intense ones, where voices are raised, and doors are slammed—improve connection, or are they a sign of something toxic?

At some point, a couple you know will have said, “We’ve never had a fight.” In reality, that couple doesn’t talk enough, or they’re lying to themselves and to you.

Couples argue. They argue because they’re human. They argue because they don’t want to bury resentment and frustration. They argue because they care about each other and want to be honest about the strength of what they’re feeling.

If you’re being physically abused and attacked verbally in a relationship, look for support and leave as soon as you can. But most fights between couples who love each other exist in a grey area between healthy disagreement and personal insults. A lot goes on behind closed doors; much of it isn’t pretty, and pretending otherwise is pointless.

Truly bad arguments tend to look like this: two people shouting and calling each other names, bringing up past resentments, and ending with slammed doors, dramatic exits, and day-long sulking or seething.

Bad fights result in you tearing into your partner because you’re........

© Psychology Today