The Strange Logic of Loss |
Relationships form through memories filled with emotion and images. When a relationship ends, we might wonder why our thoughts seem cloudy. Loss and grief, from many circumstances, can cause cognitive disruptions such as fuzzy thinking, intrusive images, repetitive thoughts, or problems with attention and memory (McNally, 2003; Peace & Porter, 2004). These cognitive issues may result from an interaction between thinking and emotion that temporarily affects concentration (O’Connor & McConnell, 2018). During the first weeks or months of mourning a relationship, mental confusion can appear as distractibility, forgetfulness, and a lack of clarity or focus (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Thoughts often sustain a relationship in our minds, even when doing so seems irrational or misguided. Reminiscing about joyful or exciting moments shared with someone no longer in our lives can be bittersweet. It can be difficult and sometimes painful. Even those who consider themselves emotionally strong or resilient can feel helpless due to the cumulative effects of grief on their mental and emotional health (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Based on our past experiences, we expect some level of predictability in many areas of our lives. By creating scripts—memory templates—our memory system uses redundancies to shape our expectations about events (Laney, 2013; Tomkins, 1995). The scripts that once provided information about a current situation may no longer be relevant in loss-related circumstances, even if our brain still tries to use them. Difficult situations occur when memory templates associated with positive feelings can’t be recreated because the person involved is no longer present. The loss of a loved one leaves us in limbo: we have a collection of positive experiences that we can’t revisit now or in the........