Performance Anxiety: Understandable, Unnecessary, Changeable |
The Fundamentals of Sex
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Performance anxiety results when someone fears they have to deliver something specific to their partner.
Healthy adults know how to manage disappointment and surprise in various life domains.
We shouldn't think of sex as a place to prove anything, because then we can fail—an idea that ruins sex.
Performance anxiety doesn't live in sex—it's created by individuals.
Every week, patients want to talk with me about “performance anxiety.” It’s one of those terms that everyone now uses, so people expect that I know exactly what they mean.
But as with most things that patients say, I usually respond by asking “what do you mean?” And that’s when patients start disclosing the troubling details.
We often end up talking about power. Or unspoken threats. Or unrealistic expectations. Or conflict that has no obvious purpose.
When people say “performance anxiety,” they generally mean “I get anxious about being able to deliver a particular thing that someone else values.”
In the sexual realm, that often starts with erections: What if I don’t get hard enough for intercourse? It can include lubrication: What if I don't get wet enough for easy intercourse? And it also extends to orgasm, a common concern for people of every gender: What if I don’t climax? Or I climax too quickly, or too slowly?
Even enjoyment can be a commodity delivered insufficiently: What if I’m not enthusiastic enough, or satisfied enough, or moan enough?
So that’s the "what" of the issue. Now let’s unpack the why: Why are people concerned with their sexual “performance?”
The innocent answer begins “because I want my partner to have pleasure. I want to share closeness with them. I want us to have........