I see many, many couples in conflict about porn. Actually, the conflict is almost never about porn.

Why doesn’t she like him watching porn?

She imagines he compares her to porn actresses, and she feels bad about herself. She compares herself to porn actresses, and feels bad about herself.

This isn’t about porn. If a woman compares herself to movie stars, or models, or college cheerleaders, or the attractive barista she sees every week, she’ll feel bad about herself. So she shouldn’t do that.

We all have to learn not to do that. And not just around looks. We all need to not compare ourselves to other people regarding money, the prestige of our jobs, how smart our kids are, or the quality of our Christmas tree.

And yes, capitalism continually pressures us to compare ourselves to others. Social media makes it worse, of course. And if your mother compared you (or still compares you) to your older brother, it’s even harder.

Still, this is an adult existential task that every one of us has to accomplish if we’re to have any contentment in our lives. Porn didn’t create this challenge, and eliminating porn won’t fix it. Our bodies will deteriorate, and others will have better lives than we do. How do we deal with that?

Why Else?

Why else doesn’t she like him watching porn?

He doesn’t want sex with her, and she blames his porn-watching.
He doesn’t get erect with her, doesn’t climax with her, doesn’t seem interested in her pleasure. He seems a million miles away during sex with her. She blames his porn-watching.

So they........

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