Am I Bisexual? Am I Asexual? These Are the Wrong Questions |
Understanding Sexual Orientation
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People don’t need a sexual identity to justify their current sexual preferences.
We generally interpret, rather than gratify, patients' desires, and should also do so when the subject is sex.
We should aspire to help patients accept themselves without the comfort of believing they're "normal."
Even the asexual community cannot agree on a definition of "asexual".
“A client wonders if she’s bisexual. How do I help her decide?”
“A patient thinks he’s asexual. How do I evaluate this?”
I provide case consultations for many therapists each month, and questions like these are not unusual. Much to the surprise of my colleagues, I generally say that they—and their patients—are asking the wrong question.
Many therapists say that labels such as “bisexual,” “asexual,” and “demisexual” give people permission to (finally) be who they are. But I say they’re an inefficient route to self-acceptance—and are ultimately more limiting than freeing.
People don’t need an identity to justify their current preferences. And people don’t need an identity to accept that what they do or want is normal. I’d rather they decide that “normal” is irrelevant. That would be real growth.
How do I discuss this with patients? I ask a lot of questions. I often tell them what I just told you. Generally, my goal is to validate people without reassuring them.
Take Alyce, for example, wondering whether she’s bisexual. “She doesn’t........