Why 69 Percent of Couples' Conflict Will Never Go Away

In long-term relationships, and sometimes even in short-term ones, partners can often find themselves stuck in a cycle of familiar arguments. They discuss the issue, resolve it, and breathe a sigh of relief, only to have the conflict resurface, with disappointing predictability, weeks or months later.

Couples often interpret this recurrence as a sign of deeper incompatibility. They grapple with questions such as, “Are we missing something?” “Are we doing this wrong?” Or even, “Why can’t we fix this?” Psychological research offers a different, strangely reassuring perspective: 69 percent of relationship conflicts are perpetual.

This finding, emerging from decades of longitudinal data from studies by John Gottman, is one of the most replicated insights in relationship science. Despite its slightly grim-sounding premise, it contains a powerful truth. Essentially, most recurring conflicts persist for one core reason, and understanding that reason can fundamentally change the way you show up in your relationship.

Couples often assume they are fighting about chores, finances, parenting decisions, emotional availability,

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