Through extensive empirical research and first-hand clinical experience, Drs. John and Julie Gottman—renowned experts in marriage and relationship counseling—have made significant contributions to understanding the key risk factors that threaten the integrity of marriages.
Of these risk factors, the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are behaviors that, if left unchecked, place marriages at an alarmingly high risk of divorce. Fortunately, their work also offers effective antidotes to counter these behaviors.
Based on their expertise, here’s how the four horsemen can infiltrate a relationship and, more importantly, the simple ways that they can be remedied.
The first—and most common—horseman is criticism—which the Gottmans define as attributing marital problems to our partner’s actions or inactions. Rather than discussing what’s bothering us calmly or through constructive feedback, criticism involves ad hominem attacks on our partner’s character or behaviors—which is entirely counterproductive to the issue that’s actually at hand.
The antidote for this horseman, however, is simple: expressing. When your partner makes a mistake—like forgetting a chore or hurting your feelings—rather than immediately opting for a critique along the lines of “You always do this” or “You never do that,” shift your focus to your feelings. Rather than placing blame, try to express your needs instead.
For instance, if your partner forgets to unload the dishwasher for the umpteenth time, resist the urge to say something like “You........