We all want an easy love, or at least one that doesn’t make us panic, bolt, or force us to become a detective. Of course, despite this desire, we frequently end up choosing people and or situations that do just that. And one of the most crucial factors influencing this mismatch is our history of attachment.

Attachment theory can help explain why adults, who have long moved on from the attachment challenges of their childhood, fall into predictable romance grooves. Crucially, the research also gives us insight into how we can change them.

Here are five clear and practical lessons, anchored in research, that make sense of why you and your partner complement and collide with each other in the ways you do.

After an unreasonable or completely avoidable fight, have you thought, “Why do I get like this in relationships?” Attachment theory might have an answer for you.

Attachment style—broadly categorized as secure, anxious, avoidant, and their various combinations—are patterns one develops early but often replays in adult relationships. Your attachment style can show in how you seek comfort, how you calm down, and how you test closeness.

A landmark paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that brought attachment into romantic life mapped how those infant patterns show up when adults fall in love. This paper, and much of the research that followed, is a staple in both academic and therapy settings, and it helped turn an abstract........

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