4 Signs You Think Love Is Earned Instead of Unconditional |
When people talk about love, the conversation usually centers on its expression: how deeply we care, how consistently we show up and how devotedly we give ourselves to the people who matter. Giving love is, of course, an admirable skill composed of sensitivity, maturity and emotional intelligence. Learning to offer warmth without defensiveness, and generosity without expectation, is a milestone in anyone’s personal development.
What we often overlook in this conversation, however, is the ability to receive love. For many, especially those raised in environments where affection came with strings attached, love isn’t experienced as a gift. Instead, it turns into a resource or reward earned through performance. As a result, approval, compliance and connection all become hoops they have to keep jumping through.
The following are four signs, drawn from psychological research, that a person may be unintentionally operating from an “earned love” mindset rather than allowing love to be something freely given.
One of the clearest signals that someone is trying to earn love is when their sense of self becomes tethered to the moment-by-moment feedback they receive from their partner. The technical term for this tendency is relationship-contingent self-esteem.
Research on relationship-contingent self-esteem shows that people who base their self-worth on how well their