Distance and Destruction: The Forces Driving Conflicts |
Most couples believe their recurring conflicts revolve around the issue at hand—what was said, what was forgotten, what should have happened differently. But in our work as clinicians, and in our own relationship, we’ve learned that it’s not only the content of the conflict that matters. How partners respond to the conflict plays an equally important role in how quickly—and how well—they recover.
Content hurts couples on one level. The reactive ways partners protect themselves and their vulnerability hurt on another. In most conflicts, there are two layers of hurt.
Underneath nearly every escalating argument we see are two powerful survival strategies—what we call distance and destruction. One partner retreats; the other intensifies and pursues. One protects connection by pulling inward; the other protects it by pushing forward. These are not dysfunctional responses. They are human reflexes shaped by personal history, family learning, and relational trauma.
Harry Stack Sullivan (1953) described anxiety as something generated between people. When the emotional field between partners becomes charged, they begin reacting not to the moment itself, but to each other’s reactions. Distance and destruction emerge in this charged space—two sides of the same protective coin.
Distance is the reflex to retreat to regain emotional equilibrium. Distancers often appear calm, quiet, or detached on the outside, while internally feeling flooded, overwhelmed, or unsure how to stay present without losing control.
A partner who distances may:
This isn’t indifference.........