Why "I Understand" Can Make Someone Feel Misunderstood |
Claiming to know how someone feels can unintentionally make them feel more misunderstood.
Research suggests that accurately knowing someone doesn't necessarily make them feel understood.
By adopting the not-knowing stance, you allow someone to remain the authority on their own experience.
Empathy requires humility about what cannot be known and confidence in what can be understood.
Have you ever told someone, "I understand", only for them to respond:
No, you don't! How could you possibly understand? You haven't been through what I've been through.
No, you don't! How could you possibly understand? You haven't been through what I've been through.
Yet, you've listened carefully, tried to appreciate their perspective, and offered what you thought was a reassuring expression of empathy.
But still, somehow, your attempt to make them feel understood has achieved the opposite.
Why Can “I Understand” Provoke Such a Response?
Because of the difference between two kinds of understanding:
Understanding what someone is communicating: grasping what they're trying to tell you — their thoughts, feelings, perspective, and the meaning they attach to an experience.
Understanding what someone has experienced: knowing what it actually felt like to live through that experience — a subjective perspective you can never fully inhabit.
You Can Understand What Someone Means Without Understanding Their Lived Experience
Imagine someone telling you about a particularly difficult period in their life.
As they speak, you appreciate what they're trying to communicate. You hear about the difficulties they faced and why they found the experience so upsetting.
Then, hoping to show some empathy, you say:
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel.
Although you may understand what they're telling you, can you truly know........