What Is Emotion Regulation?

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We cannot control what happens in life, but we can try to regulate our emotions and reactions.

Managing life's ups and downs doesn't have to be so hard.

Down-regulating and up-regulating our moods is much like shifting the gears of a manual car.

The best way to manage our feelings is to face them head-on and work through them. This, of course, does not mean that we should take them out on other people.

A person who is not grounded may not have a good handle on regulating mood and may have a hard time lessening the severity of what they feel. To counter this, they can try down-regulation, something that therapists use in the therapeutic setting. For example, feeling angry about getting rear-ended doesn’t mean we should have an intense shouting match with the offender. Down-regulating can be like shifting the gears of a manual car, where we consciously shift the emotion down a notch.

Meanwhile, the opposite of this is up-regulation, or revving up emotions when needed. The softball coach wants us to be supercharged about the upcoming game; getting pepped up may help us score a home run.

Emotion research pioneer James Gross, a professor and director of the Stanford University Psychophysiology Lab, studied the idea that emotions can be modulated. We can deploy tools to adjust our emotions at different intervals. When we sense the emotion before it comes on, we can alter and regulate it. In the middle of an emotion, we can assign how we will respond.

Being aware of how we feel and adjusting ourselves to the situation at hand can help. This calibration can affect both the mind and the body. Here are five ways to do this:

Choose the situation: “I will not dine at that particular restaurant because I want to avoid my ex, who is a frequent patron.”

Modify the situation: “I have to attend my nephew’s wedding, but I can sit away from my ex.”

Be aware of your body: “Is my heart racing? If it is, I will take a deep breath.”

Interpret the situation with logic: “I may be nervous, but no one is watching. People are too concerned about themselves—not me.”

Embrace the emotional response: Get acquainted with discomfort rather than suppressing it: “I can drown myself in alcohol, but I’m not going to do that. I will sit with the discomfort I feel.”

We cannot control what happens in life, but we can try to manage our emotions and reactions. This is better for ourselves and everyone around us. We can make better use of how we feel. Instead of lashing out in anger when we have been wronged, we can figure out what the anger is telling us. For me, my reactions to unpleasant situations may be a fear of abandonment. We are inclined to think that negative emotions, like sadness and disappointment, are the enemy.

However, all our moods and emotions, both negative and positive, are important in life. Instead of fighting our emotions, like anxiety or anger, we can be curious about what we feel. Being curious can inform us and help us become less rigid and more fluid thinkers. This will help us reason and problem-solve more quickly and effectively. Less rigidity lets us face how we feel, and as a result, it can help us regulate how we feel. Feeling and embracing all of life’s emotions with tranquility and mindful thought can lead to a more meaningful life.

What Is Emotion Regulation?

Take our Emotional Intelligence Test

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Adapted from the book How to Be Less Miserable. Blackstone Publishing, 2025.

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