When the Gift You Get Is Really a Passive-Aggressive Ploy |
Each holiday season as family gathers, Cousin Cassidy makes a grand entrance with an armload of gifts—a cappuccino machine for one sibling, designer sweater for that brother-in-law, and much-hoped-for toys for those two nieces.
Family knows that their other sister is diabetic, limiting sweets. Yet when she opens Cassidy’s gift, it’s cheap chocolates. Her little girl had a wish list, too but opened a knit cap, imprinted with a logo of Cassidy’s employer. Cassidy was well-known to regift swag. This child and her mom live in Florida. No winter hats required. At the girl’s slightly defeated thank you, Cassidy launches into a poor-parenting lecture, dubs her ungrateful, and mocks the cute pin from the girl’s school store.
Holidays tend to bring out the worst, especially in those too high on themselves, with a Santa-sack of resentments. Here, Cassidy suggested a list for more appropriate, and of course expensive, aunt gifts.
There’s neuroscience behind gift-giving since dopamine stimulates brain regions, a rewarding phenomenon when we bring happiness to others.1 Other research shows that giving well-intended self-improvement gifts (like weight-loss products) leaves recipients feeling judged.2
Sadly, here are the passive-aggressive problems when altruistic motives don’t exist:
Scores to settle: When resentments mount, gifts prove points. Passive aggressors typically grow up not taught how to be direct and express genuine feelings. Layers of build-up occur.........