"It hit me," a man revealed. "When my exasperated wife described our 8-year-old son to the school psychologist, I heard my behavior. She joked about having two boys. She wasn't kidding."
Adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) became recognized in the 1990s, often discovered with a child's diagnosis.
Thirty years ago, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) proved through positron emission tomography (PET) scans that ADHD was neurologically based and very real. It's officially ADHD, specified by a type: inattentive, hyperactive, or the combined type.
Driven From Distraction, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D., educated us then. In ADHD 2.0, they outline decades of science and strategies. They do know. They've each dealt with symptoms. Teachers historically recognized the lack of attention and self-control. Parents, friends, and ultimately, partners now hold equally important insights as pivotal players.
"The partner of an adult with ADHD is often the more reliable historian," said Gina Pera, author of Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? She created the ADHD Partner Survey to research all aspects of it.
Pera found those with ADHD (ADHDers) tended to lose track of priorities, miss deadlines, or arrive late to events. They couldn't initiate or complete tasks nor manage finances well, were chronically disorganized, zoned out, lost tempers, and weren't always fully present in relationships.
Top authors point to troubling dynamics when dating or maintaining relations. An over or under-function dynamic takes root when one partner fails to uphold their share of the financial, household, or parenting tasks. Hence, the non-ADHD spouse ends up with added burdens. They feel like the parent to an adult, burn out faster, and pay an emotional price.
So that one doesn't take on too much, each should acquire life skills, like getting up and going, being organized for work or school, having a calendar or notebook for life's details, counseling, and medical management.
Sometimes, the spouse with ADHD strains the budget with missed appointments, late fees, and overlooked bills.
Since there's no shortage of resources, I refer clients to those backed by research and quality anecdotes, such as the experts mentioned here.
Russell Barkley, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist with an illustrious career, writes prolifically about the symptoms, challenges, and disparities. One newer tome is Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships.
ADHD is not a curse. Entertainers have upstaged one another with quirky talents, quick wit, and the lack of reserve needed for such work. Sports legends learn and act kinesthetically at the pool, gymnastic studio, and football fields. Think Trevor Noah, Mark Ruffalo, Emma Watson, Justine Timberlake, Michael Phelps, Simone Biles, Terry Bradshaw.
Some great companies were founded with risk-taking tolerance for uncharted paths. James Carville led a successful presidential campaign. Dav Pilkey created children's books despite ADHD and dyslexia. Astronaut turned U.S. Senator Scott Kelly believes he had undiagnosed ADHD before it had been researched.
We live when accommodations are at the ready to keep us on track. Those who know or love someone with ADHD will recognize the hyperfocus, especially with a new job or hyper-fixation when first dating someone. Still, strategies will help as focus, and fixations fade:
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright © 2024 by Loriann Oberlin, MS
References
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships by Russell Barkley, PhD with Christine M. Benton (New York: The Guilford Press, 2022)
ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction—from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell, MD and John J. Ratey, MD (New York: Ballantine Books, 2021)
Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? by Gina Pera (Chicago: Alarm Press, 2008)
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