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The "waiting game" of fertility treatment can trigger stress, anxiety, and a feeling of being out of control.

Pleasurable and productive activities register to the mind as control, relieving stress.

Pleasurable projects must lead to a meaningful result from one's efforts in order to calm the nervous system.

Two of the things I hear most often from patients undergoing fertility treatment are, “I feel totally overwhelmed," and "The waiting is the worst part.”

If that resonates with you, that makes sense. You may have heard that people undergoing fertility treatment unsuccessfully can have similar levels of depression as cancer patients, or that fertility treatment quickly becomes the focus of people’s lives and can wreak havoc on friends and family. This is because the process is often more intense than expected, and often, people who have not been through it do not fully understand its impact on all areas of one's life. We have not yet uncovered exactly why fertility treatment puts us in “fight or flight,” but we do know that the process of struggling to have our dreamed-of family and coping with the relentless insults to our bodies, self-esteem, and relationships can be overwhelming.

Why the Waiting Feels So Heavy

It stands to reason why so many feel that the waiting can be the hardest part. Waiting for appointments to come, waiting for that call from our doctor or bloodwork result, or waiting for treatment to be approved by our insurance carrier. All of it. Many report that these intense feelings and struggle with the waiting are not even relieved by taking a vacation. They seem to follow us everywhere.

There’s a saying: A watched pot never boils. In fertility treatment, a watched body doesn't conceive faster. Yet when we are in “fight or flight,” our body naturally focuses on the matter at hand, believing that focusing on it more will solve the problem. Yet, obsessing about it, scrolling the internet for an answer, or replaying every decision in your head doesn't change the outcome. It just stretches time and increases suffering.

How Pleasurable Productivity Helps

Ideally, you would go to sleep tonight and wake up six months pregnant. Unfortunately, this is not possible. However, we can use pleasurable productivity in a way that can be enormously helpful. This is not just about being productive; this process needs to include two elements.

It needs to be pleasurable, so that means it cannot be work-related.

It must be something that will provide you with a result that you can see was created from your effort.

Examples can be redecorating your living room, knitting a scarf, planning to hike every trail within 20 miles of your home over the next month, or taking baking, painting, or pottery classes.

Why is this helpful? Two reasons. The first is the pleasurable part. If you are struggling through fertility treatment, chances are you don’t have much joy in your life right now. Inserting some joyful activities can lift your mood, which can lead to feeling better, improved relationships with others, and may even improve your outcome because you are making decisions with a clearer mind.

What if you are not able to focus on something pleasurable for too long? That is ok. Even if, for example, you are learning to play the piano and get distracted by thoughts of treatment and can only focus on it half of the time, that is an improvement because any time you are engaged in the activity is time you are not focusing on treatment.

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Second, remember the “fight or flight” feelings? Your body feels out of control and wants to focus on the issue at hand as much as possible so it can be resolved. Instead, you can show your brain that you do have control in your life somewhere else. Your brain will sense that the knitted scarf is not as important as the fertility treatment, but overall, your brain will register it as control and will likely feel relief and even calm when you give it evidence that you can effect change with your effort. This can be incredibly stabilizing to your system.

So, here is your experiment:

Choose a project that is pleasurable.

Make sure your project will allow you to see a result for your efforts.

You can choose projects with your partner, alone, or both. This small investment can help you calm your nervous system and clear your mind enough to give you different perspectives on the important decisions you are making in treatment and in your life.

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