Recently, someone said to me, “Everything that happens to a child is the parent’s fault.” As a parent, that statement immediately carried weight. It suggested that I was responsible not only for how my children were raised, but for every choice they have ever made, including every mistake, poor decision, or painful experience, regardless of the care, structure, values, and guidance I consistently provided. As a clinician, I recognized this as a classic example of “absolutist thinking” or cognitive distortion, where events are interpreted in black-and-white terms with no room for nuance. This type of “all-or-nothing” thinking can lead to rigid expectations, heightened stress, and emotional distress, and is commonly observed in conditions such as depression and anxiety.

What makes this form of thinking particularly harmful in the context of parenting is that it leaves no space for individuality, autonomy, or growth in children. It frames children as mere extensions of their parents rather than as developing individuals with their own agency, curiosity, and capacity to make choices. Ironically, one of the messages I often share with parents is, “You are raising adults, not babies.” This emphasizes the importance of equipping children with the tools and skills they need to function independently as adults. Absolutist blame undermines this process by implying that children’s successes and failures exist solely at the mercy of their parents, erasing the critical role of their own decision-making, environmental influences, and developmental trajectory. Recognizing the limits of parental control allows us to focus on guiding, supporting, and preparing children........

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