Haranguing: Verbal Abuse Sessions in Domestic Violence

Co-authored with David Adams, Ed.D. Founder of EmergeDV program for domestic violence offenders.

Survivors of coercive control domestic violence often recount “arguments” or “fights” that last hours or days (Fontes, 2015). Beth describes it:

"Billy would back me into our bedroom, yelling in my face. He’d curse. He’d tell me that I ruined his life and that I’m a terrible wife and mother. He’d say that everything was my fault and that he was sorry he met me. I’d be sobbing. Whimpering. Shrinking. Trying to explain. In the end, I’d agree with whatever he said and apologize. I’d do anything to make these fights end. But they could go on for hours, sometimes all night. And then I’d have to work the next day. I believed him, that it was all my fault. I just remember trying to not die. When the baby was born, I asked my mom to move in to take him during Billy’s tirades."

These verbal assaults establish abusers’ “ownership” and damage targets’ confidence. Abusers feel more powerful by making their targets feel powerless. Verbal abuse sessions are more than just insults or common bickering. They are one-way, extreme, and frequent or prolonged. The targets are isolated from people who otherwise might help them feel better about themselves.

Domestic abusers often display an “out of control” temper. This is a tactic—abusers “lose their temper” when it seems like a good strategy. At other times, they can pose as the picture of calm rationality in the face of their partners’ “dysregulation.” Stark (2022) has called this kind of behavior “losing control to gain control.”

Maggie’s father, Will, described his son-in-law:

"He was always raging at her about money. She’d have to account for every penny. Meanwhile, he bought himself an expensive car, a truck, and a boat that he never used. He’d treat his friends to........

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