What Is Domestic Violence?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from domestic violence

Affluent domestic abusers often dominate their victims through tactics of coercive control.

The "culture of affluence" creates extra isolation for wealthy domestic violence victims.

Understanding the special issues wealthy victims face will enable psychotherapists to meet their needs better.

People sometimes have a hard time believing that domestic abuse matters in wealthy families. And by “people,” I mean judges, juries, neighbors, colleagues, psychotherapists, and everyone else.

In some cases, the perpetrators were wealthy men who preyed upon lower-income girls, boys, and women. And in some cases, their victims were their spouses, who effectively lived in a gilded cage. And yes, that’s a list of men because men are more common perpetrators of all crimes, including over 90 percent of intimate partner physical and sexual violence, stalking, and homicide.

Affluent abusers hide their actions from outsiders, often choosing coercive control tactics without overt physical violence. Coercive control is a strategy that some people use to dominate their intimate partners. It can include intimidation, isolation, monitoring, manipulation, and financial, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Not all these elements are present in every case. A wealthy abuser with a reputation to maintain may be more likely to control his wife or girlfriend through intimidation and sexual abuse than blows to the head, although affluent men certainly commit physical and sexual abuse and even domestic violence homicides (femicide). Their sense of entitlement makes them think they can get away with it. And all too often, they do.

The Culture of Affluence Increases Isolation

Luthar (2003) first described the “culture of affluence.” Her research found high levels of anxiety, depression, and alcohol and drug use among affluent teens. Others have described a lack of intimacy, pressure to present a positive public image, and a lack of authentic friends, which means that a domestic violence victim may be unusually isolated. Materialism, perfectionism, and social status may be more valued than interpersonal bonds. The over-valuation of youthful beauty may frighten same-age wives who contemplate divorce.

Pressures to maintain a reputation can make it exceptionally hard for wealthier victims to seek needed help from domestic violence agencies, the police, or doctors. They may access couples’ therapy. But many therapists don’t routinely hold separate sessions to ask each member of the couple about coercive control and other forms of abuse. And when asked, domestic violence victims may deny abuse. (It helps to ask about specific behaviors rather than the category of “domestic violence”). Victims often blame themselves, believing the abusers’ gaslighting rhetoric that they are the problem.

Financial Abuse in Wealthy Couples

In wealthy couples, as in couples that struggle financially, domestic abusers use money to reward and punish their partners’ behavior.

Ana was working at a bank when she met Kendrick, who came from a wealthy family. She quit her job and gave birth to four children in six years, as Kendrick wanted. Kendrick controlled Ana in many ways. He was frequently out of town on both business and pleasure, leaving the parenting to her. Kendrick made sure Ana felt financially insecure. He would raise or lower the spending limit on her credit card, depending on how he felt about her on a given day. She repeatedly had to abandon a cart full of groceries when her card was denied at checkout. At times, she was unable to buy cleats and shin guards for the children or pay their dental bills until she gave in to Kendrick’s sexual demands. He liked to make her beg for money.

Sometimes wealthy abusers oblige their spouses to spend their own money on daily expenses. Abusers keep assets such as cars and houses in their own names only. Or the abuser will claim to be investing in joint assets for retirement. If the couple breaks up, those assets have been placed out of the target’s reach. Wealthier domestic abusers also engage in tax schemes that disadvantage their victims.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from domestic violence

Financial abuse can occur even when the abuse target works or has inherited wealth. The abusers may require total control of the money or may spend the target’s money recklessly on vehicles and hobbies, while giving her a hard time about legitimate expenses. In cases of romance fraud, an abuser has chosen his target precisely for her wealth or earning power (Cross et al., 2018).

Abusers entrap their targets by telling them that if they break up, they will be left penniless. Abusers may also demand a pre-nup, post-nup, or a quit-claim deed so their victim will have difficulty claiming assets if they separate. (Sometimes, evidence of signing these agreements under coercion will render these agreements invalid.)

One victim-survivor described the whiplashing reality of her life:

I’m driving a $75,000 car, I live in a huge house with a pool, but I have five dollars in my purse. I look rich, but I have nothing of my own. He tells me if I leave, he’ll get the kids because he can afford great lawyers, and I’ll be homeless. I believe him.

I’m driving a $75,000 car, I live in a huge house with a pool, but I have five dollars in my purse. I look rich, but I have nothing of my own. He tells me if I leave, he’ll get the kids because he can afford great lawyers, and I’ll be homeless. I believe him.

Sexual Abuse in Wealthy Couples

Wealth can make it easier for abusers to carry on multiple affairs, engage with sex workers, and even support second families. Otherwise, sexual abuse in wealthy couples is like sexual abuse in other couples. It can include coercion, deliberately painful sex, strangulation, coerced sexual images, ruining the target’s reputation, and more.

Wealthy abusers often have a tremendous sense of entitlement; They see their partners as little more than vehicles for their own satisfaction. (I hate to use the word “narcissism” because of all its pop psychology connotations, but it often applies here). One affluent survivor told me, “My husband had complete sexual control and didn’t have any interest in my opinion or consent.”

Monitoring in Wealthy Couples

Wealthier domestic abusers can afford elaborate systems to monitor their partners and ex-partners. This can include hidden outdoor and indoor cameras. Also, GPS signaling on phones and vehicles. The abuser gave his victim an expensive watch as a birthday present? It may track her movements and listen to her conversations. And that designer purse? It may contain a mic or tracking device. Wealthy abusers also sometimes have employees (household staff, subordinates at work, or investigators) monitor their partners’ or ex-partners’ communications and whereabouts.

Privacy in Wealthy Families

Wealthy families have more privacy. They can afford to live far from their neighbors. They send their children to private schools where educators are less likely to file reports of suspected child maltreatment. They can afford medical care where providers know that “discretion” is the key to the success of their practices. They don’t need to access the kinds of social services where state employees ask personal questions. While this privacy is a luxury, it also means that domestic violence victims feel like they have fewer places to turn for help.

Threats to the Children

One domestic violence victim told me:

Our kids go to excellent schools and summer camps. We have a pool, a boat, and amazing vacations. Great country club. My husband told me that if I leave him, he’ll make sure the kids and I are penniless. I felt like leaving him would be a disservice to the kids. So, I stayed, until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Our kids go to excellent schools and summer camps. We have a pool, a boat, and amazing vacations. Great country club. My husband told me that if I leave him, he’ll make sure the kids and I are penniless. I felt like leaving him would be a disservice to the kids. So, I stayed, until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Some abusers threaten to take the kids away; others threaten to abandon them. Some abusers will abandon the children for a while and then fight for full custody. The path to protecting oneself and the children may seem unclear.

I have worked with families where the children begged the mother to stay with the wealthy abuser to preserve the status quo. And I have worked with wealthy families where the children begged the mother to leave. Research clearly shows that children experience long-term physical and psychological effects when one parent coercively controls and/or physically abuses the other (e.g., Specht et al., 2024).

Privilege Under Legal Cover

Abusers in higher-income families often know how to manipulate the legal system (Haselschwerdt & Hardesty, 2017). Wealthier abusers may persuade their victims to use a private judge or arbitrator, rather than the courts. While these paths promise discretion and speedy resolution, sometimes, instead, these processes deliver bias in favor of the person footing the bill or the person with more social standing.

Abusers with high social standing may also be able to protect themselves from law enforcement intervention. They may donate to police charities or hobnob with the prosecutor. They may financially support the team where their children swim alongside the mayor’s children. Their perceived connections may dissuade victims from even calling the police. And wealthy abusers’ access to the most aggressive attorneys means that they are often able to engage in litigation abuse, with dire consequences for both their primary victims and their children.

One study found that women domestic violence survivors who “bought into the culture of affluence” reported enormous pressure to maintain the appearance of a happy family (Haselschwerdt & Hardesty, 2017). This prevented the abused wives from disclosing their abuse to others. Believing that other couples in their suburb were leading perfect lives with harmonious marriages compounded the abused women’s feelings of shame, failure, and isolation.

Cross, C, Dragiewicz, M, & Richards, K, (2018). Understanding romance fraud: Insights from domestic violence research, British Journal of Criminology, 58, 1303-1322.

Haselschwerdt, M. L., & Hardesty, J.L. (2017). Managing secrecy and disclosure of domestic violence in affluent communities. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 79, 556-570.

Luthar, S. S. (2003). The Culture of Affluence: Psychological Costs of Material Wealth. Child Development, 74, 1581 – 1593.

Specht, L, Freiberg, Al, Mojahed, A., Garthus-Niegel, S. & Schellong, J. (2024). Adrenocortical deviations and adverse clinical outcomes in children and adolescents exposed to interparental intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 165, 105866.

© Psychology Today