The word “should” does a lot of unintended damage. Every time you say it to yourself, you are sending the message that you are doing something wrong [not doing enough?], and maybe even that you are the problem. But recognizing when you use this word and how it affects you can be the beginning of strengthening your self-esteem and feeling more empowered.

The basic problem with “should” is that no one likes to be told that they “should” be doing something. At best, it is a benevolent urging to prompt you to take constructive action. For instance, you might advise yourself, “I really should get more exercise.” It may not feel harsh, but, alone, it is unlikely to motivate you. At the other extreme, it can feel like an attack on your very being—as in, “I should get my lazy butt off that couch and get moving!” Statements like this can undermine your self-esteem and send you on a downward spiral. This is all true whether the “should” is coming from yourself or someone else.

Those of us who often struggle with “should” tend to feel inadequate and expect to be judged similarly by others. This way of being can reinforce a negative sense of ourselves and undermine our relationships. It was aptly named by physician and........

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