Perfectionism is idealism, the dogged pursuit of security, self-preservation, and self-love.
Perfectionism is a way to attempt to silence external and internal critics, stemming from the belief that one will be exposed by (and fall apart from) any negative social commentary. Just as we invest so much in preventing actual catastrophes, we truly believe that imperfection portends another one. The underlying beliefs of this specific coping mechanism are: “I can’t be loved as I am.” “If I’m exposed, I’ll be rejected.” “People don’t like losers.” “I can’t show any weakness.” For those individuals with a deep need for control, any loss feels intolerable. Each one feels personal, not revealing a trait of the other but her own inherently defective spirit. Her need to feel invulnerable is deep, yet her resilience is shallow.
So, when people say they’re pursuing or cultivating self-love, they often mean that they’re working on themselves to reach and harmonize with some higher self. When beginning therapy, self-compassion is the furthest thing from their minds, as they instead recruit the therapist to help them become more appealing, less genuine, and more successful. Treatment, they believe, is more like a series of personal training sessions. To them, the world exists in black and white, where one is either up or down, has........