Why Relationships Matter

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To feel loved, perfectionists tend to have extreme standards for others.

They struggle with heartbreak because it causes them to doubt whether they were ever loved to begin with.

Addressing the confusion at a relationship's end can help you make sense of its meaning.

Two years ago, I dated someone I really connected with. We had great banter, I found her extremely attractive, and I thought about her all the time. I was under the impression that we shared similar feelings for each other, especially considering her compliments to me. One day, however, she broke it off, telling me she was hoping for a stronger connection. Automatically, I panicked. I thought, “I was wrong about everything. I completely misread her.” Months after the relationship’s end, I continued to struggle with the thought: “Did she really like me?” The relationship’s end wiped out every positive thought I had about it and myself. I couldn’t believe how wrong I was about its direction. I was wrong that it was going well.

While my heartbreak is obviously common, my inability to emotionally process it wasn’t. And while I blamed my former partner for making me dislike myself, I meaningfully contributed to my self-concept. To have believed her compliments, I needed perfection. After breakups, patients frequently ask others, especially their therapists, “Were we even really in love?” The answer might be an obvious “yes” to others, but the devastated individual struggles with........

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