What Is Perfectionism?

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The people-pleaser treats approval as a magical balm, with the potential to heal them and their relationships.

Other-oriented perfectionists tend to withhold praise because it makes them feel weak.

Learning that praise and criticism are often used strategically can help reduce their emotional effects.

People who easily give you their approval are looking for reasons to make you happy and feel good about yourself. They’re able and willing to see the good in you.

Others rarely, if ever, provide approval. Those individuals consistently provide reasons why it’s unearned. They nitpick and complain about missed details, and try to justify why each one is so meaningful. The people-pleaser, or socially prescribed perfectionist, will internalize this standard, blaming themself for the criticism. But, in doing so, they overlook the internal world of the critic.

Why do some people resist giving praise? Do they just have high standards because they’re incredibly competent and, thus, impatient with most others?

Perfectionists Who Demand Perfection From Others

While socially prescribed perfectionists believe that others expect them to be perfect, other-oriented perfectionists expect perfection from others. But why? Is their approval solely or mainly based on merit? If so, how do we know?

When we search for biased thinking, we first ask: Is the response excessive or emotional? In the case of nitpicking, objectively, the withholding is often based on details that don’t affect the outcome, meaning the result would likely remain even if the activity were completed perfectly. So, we may conclude that the individual is withholding praise unfairly, at least based on the foundation of what really matters.

Next, we may ask: Do they tend to withhold praise, or anything adjacent to it?

When Giving Praise Carries Shame

Other-oriented perfectionists tend to also be self-imposed perfectionists, so they struggle with vulnerability. Praise may imply a need and/or inferiority. So, I may withhold praise if I struggle with asking for help, especially if I believe I couldn’t have completed the task on my own, or carry shame around doing so.

These perfectionists struggle with gratitude, too. Both praise and gratitude may imply something personal about the recipient, but they also imply a lot about the one giving it. All of this, to this perfectionist, implies weakness; need and inferiority are perceived to be pesky siblings.

However, the people-pleaser usually only conceives of feedback as it relates to them. "What does the praise or lack thereof say about me?" "Why don’t I deserve it?" "Haven’t I done enough?"

Reframing the People-Pleaser's Perspective

Praise means a lot to socially prescribed perfectionists. They believe approval can change—or better yet, fix—things, even their self-image. They imbue the idea of approval with power.

If we agree that approval is more about another than about us, then it loses its magic. All of a sudden, it’s just another thing in the world. But, conversely, if the magic is drained, then so is the poison from criticism’s sharp sting.

In treatment, patients often ask, “Why wasn’t I enough?” While, at bottom, they hope others will challenge them, informing them of why they’re wrong, it may help to answer that question from the perspective of those whom we can call "stingy." What would it have meant for a parent, for example, to have praised you? What would they have sacrificed to do so, and why?

What Is Perfectionism?

Take our Perfectionism Test

Find a therapist near me

Some realize the parent carried an immense amount of shame, with little ability to process it. So, when others felt good, they, in turn, felt bad. And when others felt bad, they somehow felt good. These hyper-competitive individuals struggle to praise others because it implies some sort of emotional loss, the sense that they’re giving up some degree of influence. And, more importantly, some degree of self-respect. Their mindset is zero-sum—they lose when others win and vice versa.

Therefore, approval is little more than a strategic ploy. Sometimes, they provide it when perfection is achieved, and may do so begrudgingly. Here, they may feel as though they have no other choice, praising to sustain the impression that they’re fair and reasonable. Without an excuse to withhold, they may fear being criticized or perceived as petty. So, they do what needs to be done to save face.

In other instances, the other-oriented perfectionist may praise you because doing so increases the likelihood you’ll continue to do something for them—praise is transactional, like an investment. Rather than any sort of fundamental change in perspective, praise is just a means to an end. They’ll express some vulnerability, in the form of respect or appreciation, if there’s some greater good for them.

Altogether, their approval is inherently meaningless. It changes nothing about you, outside of your self-image, and little to nothing about how they see you. People-pleasers tend to consider approval to be a grand victory and, if they’re being honest with themselves, one over another; recall the phrase “winning them over”—they lose their flawed perspective of you as you’re proven right.

The problem, however, is that this treats love as a game, which isn’t love at all. If you can’t accept the approval of those who already see you, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to find any meaning in a version you win, especially because its flaws are so obvious. This is what John Candy meant in Cool Runnings when he remarked, “If you aren’t enough without a gold medal, you’ll never be enough with one.” If we can’t accept the proof of our value when it’s in front of us, we’ll likely be unable to make meaning out of some relatively minor win. If you can’t accept and internalize it now, it’s unlikely to happen later.

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