The Love Language of Perfectionism |
What Is Perfectionism?
Take our Perfectionism Test
Find a therapist near me
Perfectionists hold themselves to a standard they often can't even articulate.
Fixating on some failure or rejection, they fail to see their unwillingness to accept any sort of failure.
Love helps curtail the perfectionist's seemingly infinite desire for more.
Noted psychoanalyst Don Carveth wrote, “The point of analysis is to get over yourself.” While we often think of therapy as a support system, which it is to an extent, it doesn’t merely aid self-esteem; good therapy helps curtail pride as well. Consider the implicit demands of what people tend to complain about. We’re heartbroken over disapproval, breakup, failure, and loss, some of which is obviously more objectively meaningful. We bemoan unfairness. And we feel as though we can’t live without what we can’t have. The point, if there’s one that sums up the entire endeavor of therapy, is to cultivate the resolution to integrate an understanding of your personal limitations, some of which are obviously going to be applicable to all of us.
Perfectionists, in particular, immensely struggle with accepting limits, both internal and external, which, to them, signify internal ones. While undoubtedly struggling with self-esteem, they hold themselves to a standard that often can’t be articulated; we only hear it in bits. A perfectionist may fear being disliked by a partner’s friend group or worry about appearing incompetent in some sport. Zeroing in, most people can relate to their fears. No one wants to try out a new sport and be the worst player, just as no one wants to be shunned by a love interest's friends, which may make them feel like a breakup is, therefore, inevitable.
But when we zoom out and ask, “OK, but what sort of rejections can you accept?” the perfectionist is usually left frozen. The answer, when they’re willing to share it, is none. The individual struggling in a new sport expects to instantaneously master any new hobby, and the individual concerned with a lover’s network desires ubiquitous approval; the immediate failures only matter to the extent that they’re immediate, just happening to matter right then. Hence, these individuals struggle to find love in multiple senses. Diffusion of attention and fear of any source of rejection preclude romantic love and even genuine friendship. The preoccupation with failure in some meaningless hobby may cause a fixation, which negates the discipline needed to continue to grow and excel in some already successful pursuit. Wanting it all means having nothing.
Unhealthy perfectionism extinguishes the possibility of love while its healthy counterpart supports it. But perfectionism, like one’s pride (and in conjunction with it), has to be limited. You would think the word perfectionists hate most must be “failure,” yet, equally disdained are “good enough” and “settling.” While the perfectionist may profess how much they want to be loved and love in return, again, if we zoom out, we notice a need for unequivocal admiration and/or approval, as evidenced by their fixations on what they don’t and likely can’t have. While dating as a teen, I frequently complained about women being uninterested in me. And although this tended to elicit sympathy, I always left out an important point: I only wanted to date those I couldn’t be with. On the rare occasion when they reciprocated my affection, I devalued theirs. And the cycle began anew.
I wanted limitless options, which combined to clearly prove my superior value as a mate. Sometimes, I even developed feelings for people after discovering their lack of interest in me. Is this someone who was serious about love? One can argue that I was merely after status, but, deeper, I believe I was after some form of immortality. I can’t imagine that anything would have ever been good enough. Any achievement (even the perceived acquisition of another) would have felt like settling—there’s no degree of status to quench the thirst of a wannabe god. Settling implies an abrupt end to the journey, an acquiescence to weakness, and the loss of hope for ecstatic happiness—entitlement no longer a catalyst but now a prison. So, what then is left?
Perfectionists equate settling with depression, conceiving it as a precursor to prolonged unhappiness. Yet, settling can mean so many things. At some point, I had to settle for accepting that not everyone I’m attracted to is going to find me attractive, which sadly is an ongoing struggle. You may settle for being great at some specific thing, as opposed to excelling in everything you try. And all of us should settle for the realistic rewards or privileges of some talent or trait. Significantly, settling is easier when love is involved.
Accepting that beauty doesn’t mean global attention or entitle you to others’ fortunes is made easier with a loving partner. Accepting that excellence doesn’t mean fame or even popularity is made easier by knowing that you’ve mastered a craft you love because you consider it meaningful in itself, outside of what it could do for you. And settling is made easier when you discontinue seeing yourself as an exception.
What Is Perfectionism?
Take our Perfectionism Test
Find a therapist near me
I ask myself what I may ask a patient, “Why are you not allowed to be rejected? Why do you have to become so great that everyone likes you? Why must you carry that burden?” These are questions I can’t ever seem to answer. I can’t tell you why I believed I wasn’t allowed to settle and just love one thing, trying to perfect it. Perfectionism’s healthy form is a love language, as long as it can be corralled. My writing, relationships, and my work as a therapist all have to be worthy of perfecting for their own sake, without the expectations of glamorous social trappings. To perfect in order to learn and master, to make part of oneself, is love. To perfect mainly or solely to gain influence is greed. I perfect because I’m enamored; I don’t perfect to be adored.