Dear Rob and Zach,

I think it’s finally time for us to have “the talk.”

I’m not talking about the sex talk that we had when you guys were teenagers, which was basically a friendly reminder to just keep the thing covered, and I don’t remember any more than that because the awkwardness of it traumatized me almost as much as it traumatized you, and also at the time, you were probably having more sex than I was anyway so who was I to talk?

This talk is more important since you guys are older and I am older (great for you, not as great for me); it’s about the most important thing in life, and I know it’s gonna sound incredibly corny, but indulge me because I know someday you’ll also think it’s important. Nobody ever........

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