Positive punishment eliminates problem behaviors without being caustic.

To effectively change children's behavior, the goal should be to replace the behavior, not just eliminate it.

Finding out why a child acts out can reveal how to change that behavior.

In the world of applied behavior analysis (ABA), what matters most is the data. Many parents use verbal redirections—often born of anger—to stop their children's behaviors, even though the data indicate the behaviors don't actually stop. In fact, they often get worse. In this post, we will explore why yelling at a child seldom works in the long run and how to win the battle of wills with your child.

Many modern parenting movements cast punishment in a negative light. However, punishment in ABA is simply the application of an outcome that decreases the chances of a behavior recurring. It is not the harsh (often called aversive) response to a child. But, many folks confuse aversives—yelling, spanking, social isolation—with punishment.

Another form of punishment is often called positive punishment. Positive punishment usually works, while aversives typically are not nearly as effective. So why do people keep using aversive strategies?

The answer is often that the parent feels better when they yell or place their child alone in a room. Sometimes, using an aversive might even work. If it works just enough—and randomly enough—the decrease or elimination of the child's problem behavior is rewarding to the parent. That random pattern of success builds a surprisingly durable habit of reaching for aversives. Unfortunately, what works best will never be tried if aversives are the main strategy. But what if there's a better approach?

When Do Punishments Become Rewards?

When we use punishment to mean aversiveness, what parents intend as punishment often turns into a reward—for everyone involved. Parents feel less anger or stress after yelling at a child, and that reduction in negative emotion is rewarding for them. When children receive attention, even attention that carries angry words, the attention itself can be rewarding. These two dynamics define the major ways "punishments" become rewards.

What to Do: 3 Steps to Change a Child's Behavior

1. Define Punishment and Problem Behaviors

Keep in mind that punishment reduces—or eliminates—a problem behavior. By holding onto that as your goal, you can refocus when things get hard. Ask yourself: "What specifically do I want my child to stop doing?"

2. Find the Replacement Behavior

One underused strategy is simply adding something good to a behavior you want to see more of—a replacement behavior. When parents deliberately reward an alternative behavior, the problem behavior gets crowded out. Adding a reward to compete with the problem behavior is more effective, and frankly more pleasant for everyone, than adding a consequence to the problem behavior itself.

A problem behavior keeps happening because of what it produces. Attention is often the payoff. If we know the reward is attention, the next question is: What do we want the child to do instead? Once we identify an alternative, we can reward that replacement behavior consistently and drive down the problem behavior simultaneously.

3. Change How You React

This is the hardest step—and the most important. Parents will need to:

Decide what the replacement behavior looks like

Teach it by setting an example

Prompt it in situations that used to trigger yelling

Praise it heavily and pay real attention when the child uses it

Notice it even when unprompted, so the reinforcement stays consistent

Soon, the replacement behavior will take over, and the old triggers will lose their pull.

What to Do if You Need Help

Parents of neurodivergent children, in particular, often find themselves responding to aggressive or self-injurious behaviors with anxious or angry attention—largely because those behaviors are overwhelming. That's not failure; that's human. But outside help can make the difference. Finding a provider with genuine ABA expertise can turn things around faster than going it alone.

• ABA International — Parent Resources

• APA Division 25 — Behavior Analysis

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Thompson, R. H., Iwata, B. A., Conners, J., & Roscoe, E. M. (1999). Effects of reinforcement for alternative behavior during extinction of problem behavior maintained by attention. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 32(1), 27–42.

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