People often speak naturally about “parts” to describe their feelings and behavior. Someone might say, “A part of me knows better, but another part keeps going back to the same destructive type of relationship.” Or “I don’t know why I revert to a kid every time I visit my family; it’s like a part of me still wants my parents’ approval and recognition.”
IFS takes advantage of this language, building on the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves and that these parts exist in greater or lesser harmony, depending on our life experiences. When we’ve grown up in a difficult environment, these parts may take on extreme roles: a protective part might try to manage painful, frightening memories and feelings by pushing them away or using alcohol, drugs, self-harm, or other compulsive behaviors to numb out our capacity to remember and to feel.
Our natural longing for connection and our capacity to be vulnerable may be experienced as too threatening and get turned into an “exile,” a rejected part kept at bay. It can come to feel like a civil war, with different parts in conflict with each other and no healthy self in control, guiding us to make wise decisions and helping us manage the turbulence within. We may feel carried along or controlled by powerful feelings and impulses, leading us to behave in ways we regret, feel shame about, or simply don’t understand.
When we are blended with our parts, we may have no idea that a healthy core self even exists. In fact, my........