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Abuse survivors are often told they should be over their trauma, or that their experience was not real trauma.

Healing is largely shaped by available support, safety, and resources, which not all of us have access to.

Time alone does not heal what we have not yet processed.

I was on social media yesterday—as one does.

I had posted a reel in support of survivors of rejection, using my personal experience as an example. And while I was scrolling, I noticed someone had commented on it:

“Why are you not over this yet? This happened, what, 20 years ago?”

“Why are you not over this yet? This happened, what, 20 years ago?”

My first thought—besides Yikes, I guess my anti-aging cream isn’t working as well as I thought—was to keep scrolling and ignore it—one of those things I try to teach all my younger clients, but often struggle to do myself.

But then I noticed they had commented again:

“People really overuse the word trauma lately. Family rejection isn't even real trauma. Many people get over that type of trauma, or something similar, in less time. If you’re still harping on it, then you’re stuck.”

“People really overuse the word trauma lately. Family rejection isn't even real trauma. Many people get over that type of trauma, or something similar, in less time. If you’re still harping on it, then you’re stuck.”

So of course, like any emotionally strong person who absolutely knows better than to seek external validation on social media, I immediately went down a rabbit hole seeking validation on social media. I found myself scrolling through the accounts of other well-known trauma therapists and combing through hashtags, looking for validation. But validation never came. Instead, my mind flooded with questions:

Are they right? Am I really stuck in my trauma? Is this something I should be over by now? Was it even “real” trauma?

Am I really stuck in my trauma?

Is this something I should be over by now?

Was it even “real” trauma?

I found myself doing what I know so many survivors do: intellectualizing, explaining, excusing, and slipping into a familiar pattern. I spend my days providing validation to survivors of abuse who have spent years, even decades, being told that their experience was not that bad. I provide training to educate other clinicians and healthcare workers on how profound and long-lasting this type of trauma can be.

So, why was I spiraling? It's like I had regressed in that moment. Who was this person?

Survivors of abuse are often told that their experience wasn't really traumatic

One of the biggest fears many survivors carry is the fear of “overreacting.” I see this especially in survivors of abusive families and relationships, where their reality was denied, minimized, or gaslit for years. When you’ve been taught not to trust your own experience, even one careless comment (such as one from a keyboard warrior, for example) can reopen the wound. Especially when their words echo the kinds of messages survivors hear all the time:

You should be over it. It happened so long ago. Other people have had worse.

You should be over it.

It happened so long ago.

Other people have had worse.

So when should we officially be “over” trauma experiences?

The answer is: It depends.

For some people, they may only be beginning to unpack what happened, even if decades have passed since the original events. They may have spent years surviving through coping mechanisms like food, overwork, substances, or emotional numbing. Then, in sobriety or safety, they are finally able to confront the demons that have haunted them all along. Time alone does not heal what we have not yet processed.

Others may have had strong external supports, things like safe family, therapy, faith communities, support groups, or chosen family, that helped them metabolize the pain sooner. All of these factors matter because healing is shaped by support, safety, timing, and resources. These things all impact whether something continues to stay with us. In fact, some research shows that symptoms can stay with us for decades following the event, especially if the event was catastrophic and survivors were not given adequate support to process what happened.1,2

So, what does “getting over it” even mean?

Does it mean we no longer think about it? Does it mean we are never triggered by it? Does it mean we stop naming it as trauma because it makes other people uncomfortable?

Does it mean we no longer think about it?

Does it mean we are never triggered by it?

Does it mean we stop naming it as trauma because it makes other people uncomfortable?

None of those standards is realistic.

Now that I’ve had time to breathe and reflect, I keep coming back to that keyboard warrior’s comment. Would they say the same thing to a veteran decades removed from combat? To a child forced to flee a war-torn country? Which traumas are considered legitimate enough to deserve compassion? I do agree that the word trauma can be overused, especially lately, where it has become a sort of buzzword. But I also believe some experiences are undeniably traumatic—though even that word sometimes feels too small. To me, being rejected and abandoned by one’s own family falls into that category. Even if Bob from Ohio doesn't agree.

Take our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Test

Find a therapist to heal from trauma.

The truth is, some people will always find a way to dismiss pain. All survivors encounter this. So when it comes to healing—and being “over it”—there’s no universal deadline. It depends on the person, the trauma, and the journey they’ve had to navigate.

If you are looking for support, the Psychology Today therapy directory can help.

Mann, F.D., Waszczuk, M.A., Clouston, S.A.P. et al. (2025). A 20-year longitudinal cohort study of post-traumatic stress disorder in World Trade Center responders. Nat. Mental Health 3, 789–802. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44220-025-00419-1

Olff M, Hein I, Amstadter AB, Armour C, Skogbrott Birkeland M, Bui E, Cloitre M, Ehlers A, Ford JD, Greene T, Hansen M, Harnett NG, Kaminer D, Lewis C, Minelli A, Niles B, Nugent NR, Roberts N, Price M, Reffi AN, Seedat S, Seligowski AV, Vujanovic AA. (2025). The impact of trauma and how to intervene: a narrative review of psychotraumatology over the past 15 years. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2025 Dec;16(1):2458406.

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