How Shame and Self-Blame Impact Relationships

Paige tried hard to protect her younger siblings. The oldest of four, she took responsibility for making sure they were fed and clothed before sending them to the bus stop each morning. Her parents frequently used substances, leaving the children alone most days. Paige thought she was doing a good job hiding the neglect and abuse they experienced at home, so she felt blindsided when a teacher made a report to child protection.

As a result, a social worker visited weekly for a few months to “check on things.” Paige quickly learned to notice anything out of order in the house, picking up beer bottles or remnants of substance use binges before their monthly appointment. Rather than providing relief, these visits made things worse: Paige and her siblings learned not to share anything with teachers or outsiders ever again. She carried the trauma of her experiences, along with the heavy burden of guilt and shame for not being able to protect her younger siblings.

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