Duty vs. Selfhood: Family Dynamics in the South Asian Diaspora |
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South Asian families often balance tradition with adaptation.
The joint family system can offer support in the form of shared caregiving, financial pooling, and connection.
A joint family system can also foster blurred boundaries and hierarchy.
These dynamics raise a central question about the fine line between support and control.
“Before my parents moved to the U.S., my mom had lived with my dad’s parents for a few months while my dad found a job in the U.S.," explains Kalpana, 27. "When my mom joined the family, my dad’s older brother’s wife, who had been treated badly by the in-laws while living there, wanted the same treatment for my mom. So she plotted against her.”
Kalpana’s story is not an isolated one. What began as an intergenerational conflict in South Asia crossed oceans and resurfaced in New Jersey when her uncle’s family moved into their American home.
Kalpana recalls the emotional abuse her mother endured and how she and her brother absorbed the fallout. These early experiences shaped her sense of safety and belonging in ways that lingered in her adulthood.
The examples provided are taken from real-life scenarios, and all identifying information has been altered to ensure confidentiality.
Negotiating Family Traditions in the South Asian Diaspora
South Asian families often balance tradition with adaptation. These tensions show up in everyday decisions about family structure, marriage, and independence, and are shaped by background, education, acculturation, internalized belief systems, religion, and more.
In North America, these differences tend to become even more pronounced, given an individual’s desire to balance both cultural and mainstream societal values. In an interview with David Letterman, Bollywood star and former Miss World Aishwarya Rai Bachchan spoke proudly about the closeness she felt living with her parents as an adult—a sharp contrast with American expectations of early independence.
Yet while her experience resonates with many South Asians, others diverge. Some maintain joint family systems, while others adopt nuclear structures. Increasingly, some couples choose long-distance marriages to prioritize careers. These choices illustrate the complex and evolving nature of family life among South Asian communities abroad.
The Joint Family System: Community and Complexity
“My parents have found a way to be a part of my life in the best way possible.” —Lalitha, 40
As an important part of the SA collective experience, the joint family system offers support: shared caregiving, financial pooling, and connection. At the very least, families consist of grandparents, adult children, their spouses, and their children. In some households, such as on my maternal side, homes were large with grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, making it a place of bustling activity, community parenting, and conveniently available social outlets.
Even today, many SAs experience the supportive parts of living with an extended family. Lalitha describes a more balanced arrangement, with her parents living in their own suite within the home. “The mutual support has been amazing, and yet we have our separate spaces.” She notes that intentional conversations helped create this balance.
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In some cases, joint family living can blur boundaries and reinforce hierarchy, often leading to controlling parenting, overbearing in-laws, and normalized toxic dynamics where conflict goes unaddressed. As seen in families like Kalpana’s, this can foster competition over alliance. For immigrants, these patterns can complicate efforts to build independence from traditional structures and their accompanying expectations.
Shalini, 40, described the strain of living with her in-laws after the birth of her son. Having left a fulfilling career to move to the U.S., she shared feeling “irritable and anxious,” having to be home alone to navigate her in-laws’ needs on a daily basis. One of her main frustrations is having to mediate between her husband and his parents, as they lack a relationship. While certain boundaries have helped, she struggles with a lack of personal space.
“Sometimes I feel like a guest in my own home.” —Sayali, 31
Sayali, who lives with her husband and in-laws, describes feeling like an outsider. She admitted to how awkward it felt at times when she saw her mother-in-law folding laundry (including her husband’s boxers) or making him tea. While she has tried to insert herself in these areas, her mother-in-law refused her help. This led to Sayali feeling guilty for not performing her traditional chores, frustrated that they are obligations rather than choices, and powerless in her own home. She worries about the mutual dependence her husband and his parents have on each other and what this means for her future.
Sadly, her sister-in-law would often exclude her from crucial family discussions, especially about their parents’ health. Despite her husband’s occasional support, she feels a lack of agency to be able to build a life with him and feels his parents don’t seem to be concerned about their son’s needs, nor do they respect their marriage. Sayali copes by spending time away at her mother’s place.
This speaks to a larger issue that while a wedding is a much-anticipated event for SA families, the actual marriage is not always given its due. It raises a central question about the fine line between support and control.
The Ripple Effects on Children
Kalpana recalls being compared unfavorably to her mother by her paternal grandmother and being told she was “not worthy of love.” She hid these experiences out of fear. Small moments, like her uncle overriding her father’s decision to buy her a tablet, left her feeling unsupported and confused.
Over time, these experiences shaped her sense of self, contributing to mistrust and defiance that persisted in adulthood. “I had a lot of anger that I felt didn’t belong to me, that’s not who I wanted to be,” she admitted.
The Parentified South Asian Child
“I have been taking care of my mom since I was 12 years old, as my father died early. Now she fully depends on me.” — Sanjana, 30
Many South Asian children take on adult roles early, translating, navigating systems, and caregiving. Sanjana became her mother’s primary support after her father’s death, managing responsibilities far beyond her years while also coping with criticism.
Now, with her mother living with her and her husband, she reflects: “Of course I would have my mom with me, but it has been a strain on my relationship for sure.”
Parentification often leads to guilt, overworking, and difficulty setting boundaries in adulthood.
Technology, Distance, and Emotional Access
“My mother needs me to call her in India every day. I feel so much pressure to call, especially when I am tired and just don’t feel like talking.” —Asha, 33
While technology sustains transnational ties, it can intensify emotional demands. Even from afar, expectations remain high. Asha notes that her efforts to reduce calls trigger guilt or accusations. This can limit emotional space and lead to dysphoria, as unconscious emotional scripts may lead parents to center their needs over those of their children.
Shifting Norms and Emerging Choices
From a Western lens, the question often arises: Why not leave?
For many South Asians, leaving is neither simple nor desirable. Financial, cultural, and emotional factors complicate this decision. Boundaries may be seen as disrespect, creating internal conflict between self-protection and selfishness.
At the same time, change is emerging. Some individuals spend more time in their childhood homes to reconnect with themselves. Others consider long-distance marriages to preserve careers, particularly women navigating expectations to sacrifice professional goals.
As newer generations navigate these complexities, the goal is not to reject tradition, but to reinterpret it. How can we honor collectivism without losing oneself? While answers may differ, in creating space for conversation, honoring needs, and redefining roles and relationships, a more sustainable version of family becomes possible, one that allows for both closeness and choice.
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