Take our Dementia Test

Find a therapist to help manage stress

When family stress makes hospital visits challenging, hospital staff may label the family as "difficult."

Assign a point person for family-doctor communication to streamline information sharing.

In meetings with physicians, assign a family member to take notes to accurately capture more of what was said.

Calm, respectful communication fosters better collaboration with hospital staff.

In her February 1, 2026, op-ed article in the New York Times, “My Patient Was Dying. His Wife Refused to Accept It,” pulmonary and critical care physician Daniela J. Lamas explained why so many inpatient doctors and nurses call the family members of their hospitalized patients “difficult.” She wrote:

"Difficult families ask questions in an accusatory tone and are not satisfied with our answers. They demand updates at a frequency that we find excessive, they interrogate the nurses, they make choices that we find objectionable.… They are considered unreasonable.”

Whether family members are “unreasonable” is a matter of perspective, of course. For family members of hospitalized patients, especially those in the intensive care unit who are acutely ill, asking lots of questions and advocating vociferously for their relatives are the only ways they may know to help them during dire medical emergencies. Doctors should understand that, those family members would say. No wonder, then, that Lamas’ article sparked a flurry of mostly angry letters to the editor from readers.

“The doctor may feel annoyed,” said one, “but she gets to go home to her loved ones. Let her be annoyed.”

“Families sometimes are incapable of making decisions in the moment as they struggle with many emotional factors,” said another. “Yet…physicians expect them to.”

“Difficult family members might sometimes be right in their demands,” said a third.

Their strong sentiments did not surprise us. In the 30 years we have provided psychotherapy to family caregivers, we have heard many of them complain about disappointing interactions with rushed physicians who seemed bothered to be spending time talking with them about their hospitalized parents and spouses. Caregivers have told us that physicians sometimes use confusing and off-putting technical language when offering medical explanations. They have said that doctors could be unempathetic, impatient, and even judgmental while waiting for family members to make important treatment decisions on their relatives’ behalf.

As a family caregiver for a relative in the hospital, you can do little to change how hospital physicians communicate or behave. You can only try to take steps to improve your encounters with them. Here are some general principles for better interactions:

Ask about regular communication: To get frequent updates about your hospitalized relative, ask the doctor or medical team which team member will meet with you regularly and when. Should you be present in the hospital room whenever the doctor rounds—i.e., goes from room to room to visit their patients, including your loved one? Or will a nurse or social worker on the team call you on a certain day and time? The more specific information you can derive from the hospital staff about the team’s preferred means of communicating with family members, the less uncertainty you will have about when you will receive information.

Choose a point person for the family: Hospital teams prefer sharing information with and answering questions from one representative of the family, not a dozen. Identify one person in the family—most often, either the medical power of attorney or next of kin—who will converse with the medical professionals and then disseminate that information to the rest of the family.

Paraphrase information: Doctors and nurses may scamper in and out of your relative’s hospital room, sharing their impressions and treatment ideas with you very quickly. To make sure you heard and understood what they said, repeat back to them what you heard before they slip out the door. For example, you might say, “I understand that you are recommending an additional MRI study to confirm the diagnosis. Did I hear you correctly?” This will allow the doctor to clarify and perhaps expand upon whatever plans they are considering. It will also convey to them that you are very interested in knowing all the details of the medical plan and that you expect them to provide understandable explanations.

If one family member asks questions, another should take notes: Hospitalizations can be very stressful on everyone in the family. Emotions may run high if the patient’s life is at stake. When highly stressed and emotional, most people don’t process new information very well. It is, therefore, a good idea for one family member to be assigned note-taking duty whenever family members meet with a physician to capture on paper more of what’s said than you are likely to remember.

Slow things down: Doctors, nurses, and social workers move at a rapid pace to evaluate patients, treat them accordingly, and make plans for discharge. Family members typically can’t keep up with this pace and then feel pressured by the hospital team to make decisions that they aren’t prepared to make. State explicitly to them that you need more time to understand the ramifications of any decisions and to talk about them with other members. The team members may not be happy with you, but you will be exercising prudence by proceeding with greater deliberation.

Refrain from hostility: Because they are anxious about the health of their hospitalized relative, family members may be irritable or get angry if hospital staff are uncommunicative. Unfortunately, that won’t lead to a more responsive staff; it may instead cause them to think of you as “difficult” and then keep you at arm’s distance. Lower your temperature if you can. Then tell the hospital team calmly about your concerns. Be sure to express to the doctors, nurses, and social worker that you respect the vital work they are doing and want to help, not hinder. They will then be more likely to see you as an ally in the patient’s—your loved one’s—care.

Take our Dementia Test

Find a therapist to help manage stress

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today