How Can I Manage My Anger?

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Find a therapist to heal from anger

Childhood trauma can make us feel guilty or ashamed of our anger.

Naming and validating our anger ushers in calm.

Working with our anger helps our emotional lives flourish.

Toddler tantrums. Screaming teens. Work stress. Emotional labor. These are just a few things that can spark a parent's outrage. Yet societal messages can make anger seem problematic rather than temporary. Being told that anger "hurts others" or "means we have issues" can lead us to suppress the emotion. This can create more distress in the long run. Research shows that pushing down our anger can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety. It can also make the emotion roar louder.

This is why it's important for parents to get to know their anger and understand its true purpose.

Anger is a core emotion

Anger is a core emotion that's pre-wired in the brain. Core emotions tell us what we need and what is good for us. For example, fear (another core emotion) prompts us to seek safety, while sadness tells us there's something to mourn.

Anger shows up when we feel violated. This is why feeling wronged, like when our kids repeatedly push back or yell at us, can evoke it. Without anger, we wouldn't be able to set limits when children break rules, or speak up when our teen is rude.

Why parents struggle with anger

Our relationship with anger begins in childhood. It starts with how our parents respond to our anger (and their own) from day one. If a child is repeatedly told that anger means they're mean, or if they're repeatedly hurt (physically or emotionally) or shamed for feeling outraged, they will unknowingly learn to "defend" against this core emotion.

Defenses are the brilliant ways we protect ourselves from feeling unbearable emotions. Examples include blaming ourselves, saying "yes" when we want to say "no," and perfectionism (just to name a few).

Defenses can be confusing. While they usher in relief (temporarily), it takes a lot of physical and mental energy to keep pushing down our anger. Doing this too much can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety, or cause unrelenting feelings of shame and guilt to haunt us.

If our parents and caregivers don't validate our anger, the emotion itself feels problematic rather than productive. Without realizing this, we may try to ignore our outrage, or it may come out sideways in actions that hurt our kids, such as losing our cool or yelling too much.

There's no shame in any of these actions. However, each of us can work with our anger in ways that help our emotional lives flourish.

Recognize how anger feels in the body

Core emotions start in the body. Anger makes our body temperature rise and our jaw feel tight. The impulse of this emotion makes us want to fight, scream, and go on a rampage.

Noticing these sensations can cue you into your anger. Meeting your anger with curiosity and taking a few deep, belly breaths can help defuse this fiery feeling.

Practice emotion naming

As parents, we're often advised to help our kids "name" their big feelings, and this advice serves a purpose. Whether you're 2 or 22, putting language on emotions helps calm down the limbic system of the brain, which helps you feel calmer.

Simply saying aloud or to yourself. "I feel angry" makes your internal experience explicit, putting you in a position to respond rather than react.

How Can I Manage My Anger?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from anger

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs we experience. As I tell my patients, it's one of the few times in life when we expect ourselves to be "experts" even when we're beginners. Parenting is both an identity and a role. And we were not made to do it alone.

In today's stress-filled society, parents need support more than ever. When I led support groups for new moms, hundreds of mothers told me that the #1 thing that made them feel better was knowing they weren't alone. Sharing can help extinguish shame. Knowing there are other mothers in your corner can help you feel supported, rather than isolated.

Every parent has feelings, too. Anger is one of those emotions. Befriending your anger can help it feel less scary and help you decide what actions to take on your family's behalf.

For support groups, check out Postpartum Support International, or your local parenting list-servs.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

© Psychology Today