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If you grew up emotionally neglected, you may be far harder on yourself than on anyone else.

A mistake stirs up a feeling, and a feeling you do not notice gains the power to hurt you.

You can learn to notice and name your feelings, and judge your actions instead of yourself.

Marcus took the wrong exit on the way to dinner. "Of course I did," he muttered. "I can't even follow a map." He kept replaying that in his head for the entire drive, 10 minutes late and furious at himself, while his wife sat quietly beside him, wondering what she had done wrong to make him so angry.

Mia realized she had sent the client the wrong file. Her stomach dropped. "How did I let that happen?" she thought. She quickly sent the right version, then sat at her desk ruminating about it, certain everyone would see right through her, and sure this was the moment they would finally realize she was not as capable as they thought.

Malik made an offhand comment that seemed to mildly offend his father-in-law. "Why did I have to say that," he kept asking himself. "I always seem to say the wrong thing." He felt his face go hot. "That's it. He's going to think I'm a jerk now. Twelve years of a good relationship now damaged, and this is what he'll remember. How do I always do this?" He couldn't stop attacking himself. He barely slept that night.

Do you see yourself in Marcus, Mia, or Malik?

Are you far more forgiving of other people's mistakes than your own?

When you make a small mistake, does it sometimes follow you around for hours, or even days?

If you answered yes to any of those, you are far from alone. As a psychologist who has specialized in childhood emotional neglect for years, I work with warm, capable people who are hard on........

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