3 Questions That Can Refine How You Speak—and Are Heard

Relationships falter for many reasons—breaches of trust, glaring incompatibilities, or structural fissures, such as when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t. But one of the most common reasons that initial euphoria fades into heartbreak is a breakdown of communication.

Helpful approaches, such as Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC), have steered us toward more mindful relating. In harmony with that spirit, here are three awareness practices to draw upon before expressing your feelings, wants, or needs—practices that can transform stressful conversations into opportunities for a deepening connection.

We humans are wired for survival—and that’s a good thing, up to a point. Over millions of years of evolution, mammalian protective instincts have kept predators away and safeguarded us from dangers. Whenever there’s a real or imagined threat to our safety and well-being, our nervous system launches into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.

This instinctive reactivity works well in emergencies, but it can sabotage communication in our close relationships.

To communicate in ways that foster emotional safety and trust, it helps to pause before speaking and reflect on three key questions: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it useful?

It’s not easy to pause when we’re desperate to be heard—or trying to protect ourselves from emotional pain. But if we can slow down and take a breath before responding, we can ask: Is what I’m about to say........

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