The 5 Ways We Lean On Others (Or Don’t) |
Here’s an important principle for living gratefully—the principle of nourishing reliance.
Nourishing reliance is a simple but radical idea: not just admitting we need other people but delighting in that need, seeing it as meaningful, beneficial, and even essential to fulfilling our deepest potential as human beings.
Research shows that grateful people are more likely to seek out support from others, while relying on others in turn creates more opportunities for gratitude. Gratitude deepens when we embrace our shared reliance.
Confession time: I wrestle with applying this principle in my personal life. I’m the guy who hates asking for directions when I’m lost. If leaning on others feels tough for you, know this: We’re fellow travelers on the same road.
When it comes to leaning (or not leaning) on others, we tend to fall into one of five patterns: four that hold us back and one that helps us thrive.
1. Hyper-Independence: The “I-need-no-one” approach. You avoid depending on anyone, and you have few meaningful relationships. Even some social butterflies practice hyper-independence. You might be gregarious and friendly with everyone, keeping relationships pleasant but shallow. Vulnerability terrifies you. Asking for help feels impossible.
2. Caretakerism: You’re great at giving, terrible at receiving. You form meaningful relationships by helping others—teaching, mentoring, counseling—but bristle at the thought of being cared for yourself.
3. Toxic Dependence: Relying on someone who manipulates or harms you. Enough said—this is not the kind of dependence that leads to flourishing.
4. Stigmatized Dependence: You do rely on others, but you feel ashamed of it. Maybe you’ve internalized the idea that needing people equals weakness. Instead of leaning in, you hide your needs or apologize for them. Consider the possibility that what needs to change is not relying less on others but how you think about your dependence on others.
None of the above is a healthy way of relating to others. Here’s what I recommend instead:
5. Nourishing Reliance: The sweet spot. This is the joy of leaning on others in ways that strengthen both you and others. Instead of eroding your identity, it........