Take our Narcissism Test

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Narcissism is the biggest obstacle to being grateful.

When we see ourselves as exceptionally special, ironically, nothing good in our lives feels special.

Cultivating an abundance mindset can help us shift from entitlement to appreciation.

This piece is Part 5 of a mini-series on virtues and vices associated with gratitude.

Why do some people seem almost allergic to saying “Thank you”? It’s not just bad manners or forgetfulness. It’s a personality trait that makes gratitude harder to feel and express.

In a nutshell: narcissism. Narcissism doesn’t just block gratitude—it’s also the root of all kinds of problems in life.

Countless articles have been written about how to identify and deal with the narcissists around us: Set boundaries. Don’t feed their ego. Watch for their gaslighting strategies. All good.

But, in this piece, I want to flip the script and consider an uncomfortable truth. Is it possible that we ourselves display some narcissistic traits? And, as a result, are we suffering and missing out on opportunities to experience gratitude?

I’m not suggesting we’re all narcissists. As a personality trait, narcissism lies on a continuum, and it’s not an all-or-nothing attribute. Many people have some narcissistic traits without being full-blown narcissists. But it’s worth considering if there’s a strain of narcissism in our lives that’s quietly undermining our capacity for gratitude.

Let’s begin by disentangling the myths from the science of narcissism.

Narcissism ≠ High Self-Esteem

I work in academia, a field with lots of people who think highly of themselves. We have a running joke among my colleagues about these individuals—they’ve got “high self-esteem.”

But does that make them narcissists? According to research, not necessarily. An inflated self-esteem isn’t the defining feature of narcissism.

To complicate things further, there are actually several varieties of narcissism.

There’s grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose narcissists are bold, confident, dominant, and attention-seeking. Vulnerable narcissists also crave attention, but they’re insecure, anxious, envious of others, distrustful of others, and hypersensitive to criticism.

So what do they have in common? It’s not high self-esteem.

While grandiose narcissists tend to have higher self-esteem, the strength of this correlation isn’t exceedingly high. Vulnerable narcissists, by contrast, often have low or fluctuating self-esteem—depending on their circumstances.

According to researchers Zlatan Krizan and Anne Herlache, what unites grandiose and vulnerable narcissism is a strong sense of entitlement and self-importance.

Narcissists see themselves as special and deserving of more attention than others. Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are obsessed with drawing attention to themselves.

The grandiose narcissist says, “I’m special. Everyone should see how awesome I am!”

The vulnerable narcissist says, “I’m special. Why is nobody noticing (or liking) me?”

Take our Narcissism Test

Find a therapist who understands narcissism.

Other researchers argue that the core feature linking both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism is self-centered antagonism—a pattern that includes entitlement but also deceit, lack of empathy, and exploitation of others.

But not everyone who thinks highly of themselves exudes self-entitlement. The real problem with narcissists isn’t their inflated self-view—it’s their self-centeredness.

Even “Helpful” People Can Be Narcissistic

Even among grandiose narcissists, there are different stripes. Agentic narcissists believe they’re special because of their unique abilities, talents, or looks.

Communal narcissists, on the other hand, fulfill their sense of entitlement through communal means—by projecting an image of themselves as helpful, caring, and emphatic.

I suspect that communal narcissists might be drawn to the helping professions—some of them end up as teachers, spiritual leaders, even psychologists.

On the surface, they seem kind and nice—and they really want others to see them this way. They love to tell people about their good deeds (or ensure others see them doing so)—but they’re motivated less by providing meaningful help and more by enhancing their social status as do-gooders.

Communal narcissists often engage in performative acts of virtue and may even loudly and publicly proclaim their thanks to appear grateful. This isn’t authentic gratitude—it’s gratitude gone rogue.

But here’s the kicker—there’s research showing a gap between how communal narcissists view themselves and how others see them. They believe they’re very caring and helpful, but others don’t see them this way.

From I’m Special to We’re Special

Narcissism exists not just at the individual level—it also shows up at the group level.

Collective narcissists believe there’s something special about their ingroup (whether national, racial, or religious) that’s underappreciated by other people. It’s a form of group-level entitlement.

Research shows that collective narcissists tend to be hostile toward outgroups—they’re more likely to discriminate, act aggressively, and even take pleasure in the suffering of others. Not cool.

Narcissism: The Biggest Gratitude Gremlin

In my earlier post, I identified four “gremlins” that steal our gratitude—extreme self-reliance, entrenched cynicism, envy, and entitlement. Many narcissists, unfortunately, have some or all these vices.

In their research on gratitude inhibitors, Rebecca Solom and colleagues concluded that narcissism is the biggest obstacle to being grateful. I couldn’t agree more.

Here’s why. When you see yourself as exceptionally special, you start demanding more from others and from the world. Ironically, when that happens, nothing good in your life feels special. It’s hard to appreciate what you think you deserve—and easy to take others’ kindness for granted. On the flip side, feeling entitled leads to sky-high expectations for others, making disappointment inevitable when others fall short.

Practical Reflections

I’ll conclude with a few practical reflections:

It’s not your fault. It can be exhausting if you have a narcissistic parent, partner, supervisor, or close friend. If you’ve felt unappreciated by someone despite going out of the way to show them kindness, it might not be your fault. Healthy relationships involve reciprocity. But narcissists are takers, not givers.

Look within. It’s easy to spot the narcissist in others, but harder to identify narcissistic traits in ourselves. If we’re too preoccupied with our image, constantly drawing attention to ourselves, and relentlessly chasing the spotlight, we’re not just annoying others—we suffer, too. We’re making ourselves less content, less satisfied—and, importantly, less grateful.

We can change. Here’s the hopeful part: I’ve seen some folks with narcissistic tendencies become more self-aware and less self-centered. How? Just as narcissism is the biggest inhibitor of gratitude, gratitude can also be an antidote to narcissism. Start by cultivating an abundance mindset—using these three simple words, “I get to…,” in our daily thinking and conversations can shift us from entitlement to appreciation.

As we practice gratitude, we become less entitled, more appreciative of others and the gifts in our lives, and more authentically generous—recognizing ourselves as both receivers and givers of goodness.

A version of this piece also appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.

Krizan, Z., & Herlache, A. D. (2018). The narcissism spectrum model: A synthetic view of narcissistic personality. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 3–31. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868316685018

Nehrlich, A. D., Gebauer, J. E., Sedikides, C., & Schoel, C. (2019). Agentic narcissism, communal narcissism, and prosociality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 117(1), 142–165. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000190

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